the pressures of peers.

so today was one of those days.
where the phone that wont stop rinning drags you out of bed
and the caller truns out to be father
who's asking if anyone called him.
then you go back to bed- but cant sleep,
so you end up lying there for a good hour just, thinking.
what came on my mind, was peer pressure of some reason.
i thought about my ex.
and how everybody told me to dump him and get with someone else.
eventually, i came to beleive what everyone was saying,
was obviously the right thing for me to do.
so, after blood, sweat, and tears, we finally broke up.
then i tried to get with the other guy.
and you know what? it didnt work.
i still wanted my ex, and was unsure about a relationship with someone else.
i was pressured to give up my happiness because my friends were telling me about how much happier and more 'right' it would be.
yes, the break up was the best thing to do- they were right about that
but, pressure extended to the second half of the scanario.
like, i wanted to do it, its just, i was unsure. very unsure.
and they tipped me over the edge.
and nothing came of that, except exceptional amounts of hurt and talks of feelings :/
peer pressure has its rights, and its wrongs.
its always okay to listen to your peers if theyre concerned about you,
but dont take on their ideas of beleifs that are thrust upon you
unless you REALLY beleive them.

stupid ideas.

i decided it would be fun to pull an all nighter
for absolutly no reason.
father thought i was the biggest loser ever
because i was doing it alone and apperantly, thats lame.
mother was really concerned and bitchy.
she was all, why the sudden urge to do this? whats going on?
argh. mother, not everything needs a reason.
so i stayed up till 7AM
(for those who care, thats about 22 hours)
i woke up at 11AM then feel asleep until 2PM.
i dont feel as shitty as i thought i would.
but, then again,
i have to finish packing for camp today, visit the grandparents
then tommorow, clean the house and hang out and kick it with claire for the next 2 weeks.
meh. ill do fine.

behind the mask.

breakdowns.
ive had about four this week.
i tried talking about it to a friend.
all i got was lack of sympathy and terrible advice shot at me.
i thought i could go to her,
hell she comes to me with problems all the time.
i just...thought i had someone i could go to when nothing is right.
apperantly not.
nothing is going right and its just one slap in the face after another.
i cant beleive im going through this.
of all people, of all families, why the hell is it mine?
well, i guess its back to what ive been doing all this time:
put on a happy face, and hope nobody bothers to ask.
who am i kidding? nobody ever bothers to ask.

generation gap.

i volunteered over at lindenwood terrace again.
ane the hi-light was probally talking to this old guy.
you see, theres these two old guys
who sit over in the back corner and sit drinks and stare at people.
and thats totally okay.
one of the old guys left, so i went to talk to the one left.
we talked about school:
how im young and i have a year or two to decide on what i want to do.
we talked about vacations:
how he and his wife (rest in peace) used to vacation down to pheniox
and theyd golf and swim and whatnot.
he still has friends that ask when theyll be back.
we talked about sports:
how we played golf for 50 years, but cant anymore
because hed rather be able to walk than golf due to a bad back
we talked about love and death:
his wife is dead, and he now lives alone.
he says its hard, and i dont blame him.
they were together for such a long time, now he lives alone.
he dsnt have very many friends.
and to him, the reality of dieing alone is possible.
imagine.
all your friends, family, and your true love are all gone.
you cant go out and do what you love.
oh, he said to me that he may try going to pheniox this winter
because he didnt this year.
sadly, i doubt it.
but, the thing is,
he talked about all of this in a very contented and accepting way.
that suprised me.
he was able to just go along with life,
even though, to me, he had nothing else to live for.
appernatly golf turns into walks, and his wife transitions into the other lonley men at the terrace to hang out with.
it was an eye opening visit.

response.

this is a response to raindancers post,
im not sure if you even read this, but whateves:

love is a sensation.
its when that person comes to mind and you dont even notice.
when every love song reminds you of them.
when you touch, its not a 'spark', but comfort to know theyre there.

love is a fact.
when conversation flows easily, about anything, and you beleive it always does.
when you take time out of a busy day to see them, because you want to.
its when you can see a future with them, and youre happy to do so.

love is an instinct.
its when the answer to everything comes from the heart- even though you may not have any idea why you said it.
when theyre always on your mind, but not overwhelmingly so.
when you seize the day, and see them at every oppertunity possible.

love is indescribable.
when you talk for hours about nothing, but have the best time.
when youre bawling your eyes out, but he manages to make things better.
its when you see the light in the darkness.

love is selfless.
its when you want the best for them, no matter what it means to you.
when you tell whoever wants to know- but of course, the details are yours only, not everybody wants to hear about it.
when you will do whatever it takes to make them happy.

love is... friendship, to the next level.

park theatre.

omg. park theatre with rachel.
shemxy times.
we saw colins band play. warplane.
SEXY. i was so fucking excited.
i took pictures and some video (as seen on fb)
and...it was just plain epic.
before them, was some weird band.
and im still compemplating what the fuck she was wearing.
like, spandex and pleather? wow.
and that bear with the KINKY NOTE.
lmfao.
all in all, fantastic.

running.

argh. so my brother and i went for a run this morning.
i wore my new sports bra and i was all excited
and my lululemon shirt thing. it was hawt with my man shorts.
LOL. thats such a chick thing to do.
dress all nice to go running with your brother?
at least i didnt put makeup or anything on...
anyways, we ran around the block.
and before we left, he gave me his $200 unworn basketball shoes
they dont fit him anymore.
silly boy and his puberty.
but foseriously, theyre such nice shoes
and i was going to go out and get new ones anyways.
thanks hun.
so, we went on our run around the block.
we ran 3/4 of the way, then we srpinted for the last quarter.
jeeze im so out of shape.
but at least i beat him in the sprints at the end
and i kept pace with him for the rest of the time.
thank god.
if i can keep up with my brother who has intense basbetball every week,
then my cardio cant possibly be that low.