the pressures of peers.

so today was one of those days.
where the phone that wont stop rinning drags you out of bed
and the caller truns out to be father
who's asking if anyone called him.
then you go back to bed- but cant sleep,
so you end up lying there for a good hour just, thinking.
what came on my mind, was peer pressure of some reason.
i thought about my ex.
and how everybody told me to dump him and get with someone else.
eventually, i came to beleive what everyone was saying,
was obviously the right thing for me to do.
so, after blood, sweat, and tears, we finally broke up.
then i tried to get with the other guy.
and you know what? it didnt work.
i still wanted my ex, and was unsure about a relationship with someone else.
i was pressured to give up my happiness because my friends were telling me about how much happier and more 'right' it would be.
yes, the break up was the best thing to do- they were right about that
but, pressure extended to the second half of the scanario.
like, i wanted to do it, its just, i was unsure. very unsure.
and they tipped me over the edge.
and nothing came of that, except exceptional amounts of hurt and talks of feelings :/
peer pressure has its rights, and its wrongs.
its always okay to listen to your peers if theyre concerned about you,
but dont take on their ideas of beleifs that are thrust upon you
unless you REALLY beleive them.

stupid ideas.

i decided it would be fun to pull an all nighter
for absolutly no reason.
father thought i was the biggest loser ever
because i was doing it alone and apperantly, thats lame.
mother was really concerned and bitchy.
she was all, why the sudden urge to do this? whats going on?
argh. mother, not everything needs a reason.
so i stayed up till 7AM
(for those who care, thats about 22 hours)
i woke up at 11AM then feel asleep until 2PM.
i dont feel as shitty as i thought i would.
but, then again,
i have to finish packing for camp today, visit the grandparents
then tommorow, clean the house and hang out and kick it with claire for the next 2 weeks.
meh. ill do fine.

behind the mask.

breakdowns.
ive had about four this week.
i tried talking about it to a friend.
all i got was lack of sympathy and terrible advice shot at me.
i thought i could go to her,
hell she comes to me with problems all the time.
i just...thought i had someone i could go to when nothing is right.
apperantly not.
nothing is going right and its just one slap in the face after another.
i cant beleive im going through this.
of all people, of all families, why the hell is it mine?
well, i guess its back to what ive been doing all this time:
put on a happy face, and hope nobody bothers to ask.
who am i kidding? nobody ever bothers to ask.

generation gap.

i volunteered over at lindenwood terrace again.
ane the hi-light was probally talking to this old guy.
you see, theres these two old guys
who sit over in the back corner and sit drinks and stare at people.
and thats totally okay.
one of the old guys left, so i went to talk to the one left.
we talked about school:
how im young and i have a year or two to decide on what i want to do.
we talked about vacations:
how he and his wife (rest in peace) used to vacation down to pheniox
and theyd golf and swim and whatnot.
he still has friends that ask when theyll be back.
we talked about sports:
how we played golf for 50 years, but cant anymore
because hed rather be able to walk than golf due to a bad back
we talked about love and death:
his wife is dead, and he now lives alone.
he says its hard, and i dont blame him.
they were together for such a long time, now he lives alone.
he dsnt have very many friends.
and to him, the reality of dieing alone is possible.
imagine.
all your friends, family, and your true love are all gone.
you cant go out and do what you love.
oh, he said to me that he may try going to pheniox this winter
because he didnt this year.
sadly, i doubt it.
but, the thing is,
he talked about all of this in a very contented and accepting way.
that suprised me.
he was able to just go along with life,
even though, to me, he had nothing else to live for.
appernatly golf turns into walks, and his wife transitions into the other lonley men at the terrace to hang out with.
it was an eye opening visit.

response.

this is a response to raindancers post,
im not sure if you even read this, but whateves:

love is a sensation.
its when that person comes to mind and you dont even notice.
when every love song reminds you of them.
when you touch, its not a 'spark', but comfort to know theyre there.

love is a fact.
when conversation flows easily, about anything, and you beleive it always does.
when you take time out of a busy day to see them, because you want to.
its when you can see a future with them, and youre happy to do so.

love is an instinct.
its when the answer to everything comes from the heart- even though you may not have any idea why you said it.
when theyre always on your mind, but not overwhelmingly so.
when you seize the day, and see them at every oppertunity possible.

love is indescribable.
when you talk for hours about nothing, but have the best time.
when youre bawling your eyes out, but he manages to make things better.
its when you see the light in the darkness.

love is selfless.
its when you want the best for them, no matter what it means to you.
when you tell whoever wants to know- but of course, the details are yours only, not everybody wants to hear about it.
when you will do whatever it takes to make them happy.

love is... friendship, to the next level.

park theatre.

omg. park theatre with rachel.
shemxy times.
we saw colins band play. warplane.
SEXY. i was so fucking excited.
i took pictures and some video (as seen on fb)
and...it was just plain epic.
before them, was some weird band.
and im still compemplating what the fuck she was wearing.
like, spandex and pleather? wow.
and that bear with the KINKY NOTE.
lmfao.
all in all, fantastic.

running.

argh. so my brother and i went for a run this morning.
i wore my new sports bra and i was all excited
and my lululemon shirt thing. it was hawt with my man shorts.
LOL. thats such a chick thing to do.
dress all nice to go running with your brother?
at least i didnt put makeup or anything on...
anyways, we ran around the block.
and before we left, he gave me his $200 unworn basketball shoes
they dont fit him anymore.
silly boy and his puberty.
but foseriously, theyre such nice shoes
and i was going to go out and get new ones anyways.
thanks hun.
so, we went on our run around the block.
we ran 3/4 of the way, then we srpinted for the last quarter.
jeeze im so out of shape.
but at least i beat him in the sprints at the end
and i kept pace with him for the rest of the time.
thank god.
if i can keep up with my brother who has intense basbetball every week,
then my cardio cant possibly be that low.

coffee and the elderly.

i volunteered at lindenwood terrace today for the first time.
woke up at 830. showered.
pulled my hair back. threw on black dress pants.
tore apart my room for my sma polo shirt
and threw on my black hightops-my only closed toe black shoes.
i walked over there for my first shift.
i was greeted by a creepy little asian man.
he showed me my name tag.
so cool. its like...a mini magnetic plaque i can wear.
i love name tags.
he then left me with the kitchen staff, who were so nice.
i filled up water jugs and placed them on the table first.
then i was taught how to serve various drinks.
i did that as well as clear tables for two hours.
the servers were fantastic.
they answered all questions i had no problem, even if they were busy.
one of the servers thinks im adorable because im so ignorant ;p
anyways, there were these two old ladies i admired.
they sat slightly off centre of the room
and they arrived not too early, but they still beat the lunch rush.
they sat there for the whole time, eating and whatnot
then they just sipped their coffee for an hour or so.
so cute, they were like , best friends.
there were also these ladies i was giving tea to
and they told me that they were twins.
they were awesome.
the fact that theyve stayed together for so long and in the same place?
well i guess family is everything to some people.
it was a fantastic experience.
im volunteering at an event tommorow at ass park-
which is ganna be off the hook.
i get to wear a name tag, chill at the park, and escort old people
all after being on a bus.
could that day be any better? im excited for it.
oh, and i was talking to one of the ladies there
and she said i should stick around all year, because the sphs guys tend to come in for their volunteer hours.
met me for a few hours and already knew what i liked.

kickin' it.

omg ashlea took me out to dinner tonight
and it was super epic.
we went out to mongos and ive never been there before.
i had no idea that it was an awesome stir fry place.
im so going back next week.
i had a vegertian stir fry deal,
mostly because i dont really do meat, but love it anyways.
its build your own, and its amazing.
AMAZINGGG.
i got cheesecake after.
apple caramel cheesecake.
orgasm. cheesecake is fucking god.
the bill was $20.69
expensive, but so delecious and so worth it.
mongos. my new lover.
i am so taking colin there for his birthday
and forcing cheesecake down his throat.
DONT CHOKE BITCH.

fam jam.

i love my family.
well, hell, dsnt everybody love their family?
my parents are fantastic.
they drive me places whenever they can- for friends, school and sports
and they also allow me to have little parties with friends.
also. they let me have boys over
and theyre super cool about it.
like, they check on us once, then leave us alone for hours.
its amazing. i mean, amazing how cool they are about everything.
then, theres my brothers.
andrew is cool. most of the time...i guess.
he puts on a nice face for company, and when hes in a good mood
then its fine. everybody gets along when hes in a good mood.
the whole family revolves around him.
and when i have friends over,
he sometimes hangs out with us.
when i ask to be left alone, hes usually really good about it
and leaves and offers to take brock too.
brock on the other hand...
i try to schedule my friends coming over when hes not home.
jesus. when he has friends over, he leaves me alone.
or...stalks me.
but when he has nothing to do and i have somebody over?
he WILL NOT leave us alone.
especially when i have male friends over.
he pratically idolizes them and tries to impress them all.
seriously, today he was with us the whole fucking time.
from watching halloween in the basement,
to the pool (just watching us :/ for an hour),
to pratically wanting to come on a walk with us and popcorn,
to DDR,
to watching the latest buzz.
the only reason he left was because father forced him after asking for the 7th time.
he such an annoying kid.
like, he DOES have friends.
his best friend freaking lives next door.
hang with his older sister and her male friend, or hang with his friend next door?
apperantly the one that involves me and ignoring him is more fun. :/

sneeking around.

i cant help but feeling sort of, kinda, maybe, a tad guilty.
of course, the guilt is an after thought,
but, its still there.

barefoot.

i woke up.
showered.
did my hair.
ate some apple cinnamon cheerios.
threw on the most random clothes:
winnipeg jets sweats and a lime gren fugly shirt.
hung out.
watched some south park.
took a barefoot walk in the fugly clothes.
all before 2pm on a thursday.
im entitled to days like this.
days where i dont give a fuck.
and days like this, are what i live for.

letters from the soul.

latley, ive started writing a diary again.
sounds kind of childish, but whatever
i enjoy spilling my thoughts about the day and recapping.
it makes me realize just how much happens over the span of a day
and i express views i wouldnt have thought of in the first place.
but, what came of this, is writing letters-
well, not so much letters as they are..
an extensive rant of different points of a major topic.
the thing is, its done and over with.
whats done is done, and the healing process is in session.
so, why do i feel like the worst is over, but the situation is just beginning?
you know in religion class, when martino made us make a comic strip
and it had all the little points of the bible?
i did the same thing with my scanario.
i broke it down into 7 points.
this made me realize, that this whole situation is not complex in the least.
its just, being IN the situation makes in complex.
sometimes, we need to step out of out little box and view the world in a simpler way.
that seems to make all the difference.