today, my mother took me to the radi centre
so i could get a 'refresh course' on swimming for livesaving.
holy shit that stuff is hardcore.
we started out with the 20 lap swim in fifteen minutes.
ohdear jesus.
i remember swimming like it was so easy...
NO IT IS NOT. after three laps i was breathing heavily
and after ten i had terrible cramps...
but i ended up finishing in 14:25. i have a week to get better.
though its good enough to pass, i want to do better.
gotta love competition.
on another note, claire is here for two days with me : D
but, during those two days i have driver ed and basketball.
im sure she wont mind. but, its been tough.
she used to be my best friend, and weeks, even months go by without a thought of her.
what happened to us?
she was at school for a day, and we didnt even say more than a few words.
people just... bombard her there.
im not into that. the whole 'group' thing.
one on one time is where its at for me.
any group larger than that, just isnt my style.
i can hardly wait to have a few hours with her.
though it should be two days, the greedy bitches are taking her.
i hate them sometimes.
theyre so transparent.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Saturday, December 19, 2009
rushh.
i usually avoid going to the mall during christmas
that 'christmas rush' is always super stressful.
but today, i had to go to st. vital to get a swimsuit for lifeguarding.
and i saw people there i knew,
not to mention hot guys.
boy, i miss the mall.
actually, just the men. always the men, BRING ON THE MEN.
speaking of men, i was volunteering today
and theres this funny old man at the back who i sware i would marry
if we werent two generations apart.
so we winked at eachother, and he says 'youre looking good today allie'.
i couldnt stop giggling for the longest time.
and to think. i went to the mall, hockey, and a party
and the only person who thought i looked good
was the old man who saw me with no makeup in dress pants.
thanks elderly man, for restoring my confidence.
that 'christmas rush' is always super stressful.
but today, i had to go to st. vital to get a swimsuit for lifeguarding.
and i saw people there i knew,
not to mention hot guys.
boy, i miss the mall.
actually, just the men. always the men, BRING ON THE MEN.
speaking of men, i was volunteering today
and theres this funny old man at the back who i sware i would marry
if we werent two generations apart.
so we winked at eachother, and he says 'youre looking good today allie'.
i couldnt stop giggling for the longest time.
and to think. i went to the mall, hockey, and a party
and the only person who thought i looked good
was the old man who saw me with no makeup in dress pants.
thanks elderly man, for restoring my confidence.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
the season.
geeze. i havnt posted in a while.
not because i dont have alot to say,
but because i dont really want to say it, ya know?
well anyways, nobody really cares about thoughts and whatnot
what we care about is christmass.
its fast approaching, and everybody is feeling it.
be it via singing charols in math class
or running through in the snow in a bikini, we all know its here.
though, i am dissapointed in the lack of snow we have.
winnipeg is notoruius for its frozen season,
and yet, we have hardly any white stuff (LOL) to compensate for it.
too bad, sledding was suposed to go down.
this week at school is going to be rough, with all the tests,
but when its over, the break will finally be here.
and i know, everbody is going to be blogging about things such as
how relaxed they are, how theyre lazy, how they miss people, etc.
in actuality, my break is compltely opposite.
i have two free days over it.
the rest is swimming, dinner parties with liberals, and the like.
it will be nice to get a break from school,
but activities just keep piling up.
on that note, basketball is taking over my life again, as it does every year.
im happiest on the court.
but, school basketball is changing it.
last game, the coaches screamed at me for playing defense wrong
and not playing man to man de.
what the hell. they told me to front her and play zone.
make up your fucking minds, and I CANT ALWAYS HEAR YOU
BECAUSE MY NAME IS FUCKING ALLIE, AND WHEN YOU SCREAM "ALI" I THINK ITS ME.
jesus. i want to quit. so badly.
but, not so bad that weights out my love of the game.
and my love for the trip in brandon next month !
shirtless and sweaty st pauls basketball players, you are mine.
not because i dont have alot to say,
but because i dont really want to say it, ya know?
well anyways, nobody really cares about thoughts and whatnot
what we care about is christmass.
its fast approaching, and everybody is feeling it.
be it via singing charols in math class
or running through in the snow in a bikini, we all know its here.
though, i am dissapointed in the lack of snow we have.
winnipeg is notoruius for its frozen season,
and yet, we have hardly any white stuff (LOL) to compensate for it.
too bad, sledding was suposed to go down.
this week at school is going to be rough, with all the tests,
but when its over, the break will finally be here.
and i know, everbody is going to be blogging about things such as
how relaxed they are, how theyre lazy, how they miss people, etc.
in actuality, my break is compltely opposite.
i have two free days over it.
the rest is swimming, dinner parties with liberals, and the like.
it will be nice to get a break from school,
but activities just keep piling up.
on that note, basketball is taking over my life again, as it does every year.
im happiest on the court.
but, school basketball is changing it.
last game, the coaches screamed at me for playing defense wrong
and not playing man to man de.
what the hell. they told me to front her and play zone.
make up your fucking minds, and I CANT ALWAYS HEAR YOU
BECAUSE MY NAME IS FUCKING ALLIE, AND WHEN YOU SCREAM "ALI" I THINK ITS ME.
jesus. i want to quit. so badly.
but, not so bad that weights out my love of the game.
and my love for the trip in brandon next month !
shirtless and sweaty st pauls basketball players, you are mine.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
day off.
oh my goddddddd.
it was so nice to have a random day off.
i slept in, ate food, and watched mulan and star trek.
it was so good.
i sang along to all the songs and cried at three different points.
and star trek kicked ass.
it was the one where picard becomes a borg.
IT WAS INTENSE BEYOND BELEIF.
currently. im memorzing my american history speech,
meh, it should be good enough for me to get an A.
dont really know it, but hey,
if i say it loud enough, then the ponit will be made eventually.
also, im contemplating changing my look.
maybe, shorter hair and straight bangs,
maybe some hair dye and an indrustrial.
i dont know. i just want a change of pace,
AND MY BRACES.
fuck, ive had these things for three goddamn years.
get off of my face you silly slab of metal.
it was so nice to have a random day off.
i slept in, ate food, and watched mulan and star trek.
it was so good.
i sang along to all the songs and cried at three different points.
and star trek kicked ass.
it was the one where picard becomes a borg.
IT WAS INTENSE BEYOND BELEIF.
currently. im memorzing my american history speech,
meh, it should be good enough for me to get an A.
dont really know it, but hey,
if i say it loud enough, then the ponit will be made eventually.
also, im contemplating changing my look.
maybe, shorter hair and straight bangs,
maybe some hair dye and an indrustrial.
i dont know. i just want a change of pace,
AND MY BRACES.
fuck, ive had these things for three goddamn years.
get off of my face you silly slab of metal.
the perfect man.
the perfect guy will be as follows:
1. physical:
on the taller side, brunette- with short hair thats long enough to grab onto,
green (or light) eyes, a smile that makes me melt like chocolate foundue,
and my eyes automatically draw to him when shirtless.
2. inside:
he has to be funny- not so much lame funny, but has a good sense of humor
that will keep me guessing. he has to be intellegent, not so much school
smart- but capable of suppling random facts at the best of times. but most
important, he has to maintain converstaion and keep me entertained.
if a guys dull, then theres no point.
3. other.
i could care less if hes an athlete- its just a plus. but, music is usually
a must. guitarists are hot beyong beleif, but if he just plays acoustic
then im calling him gay. he has to be comfrotable around my friends, and soothe
my family. if he can do that, then hes automatically a keeper ;p AND, he has
to be accepting (and possibly agree with) my star trek and disney obession.
1. physical:
on the taller side, brunette- with short hair thats long enough to grab onto,
green (or light) eyes, a smile that makes me melt like chocolate foundue,
and my eyes automatically draw to him when shirtless.
2. inside:
he has to be funny- not so much lame funny, but has a good sense of humor
that will keep me guessing. he has to be intellegent, not so much school
smart- but capable of suppling random facts at the best of times. but most
important, he has to maintain converstaion and keep me entertained.
if a guys dull, then theres no point.
3. other.
i could care less if hes an athlete- its just a plus. but, music is usually
a must. guitarists are hot beyong beleif, but if he just plays acoustic
then im calling him gay. he has to be comfrotable around my friends, and soothe
my family. if he can do that, then hes automatically a keeper ;p AND, he has
to be accepting (and possibly agree with) my star trek and disney obession.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
homework?
i honestly havnt done my homework all week.
proctastanation is my bitch.
stupid history and your memorization and book report.
youll be done.. eventually.
and stupid math and your equations.
and social studies, with your boring topics.
i just wish school was like it used to be,
where things came naturally, things were fun,
and i easily got high 90s on absolutly everything.
but, those days are over,
and the real world is fast approaching.
fuckk, this should be interesting.
on another note, the other day i stayed up late
(till about 11, yes its a new record)
writing a letter to my future self to open.
geeze, theres so much that can happen in the next 6 years
and the future excites me beyond beleif,
especially since the next few are going to be wild and drastic.
i cant wait !
proctastanation is my bitch.
stupid history and your memorization and book report.
youll be done.. eventually.
and stupid math and your equations.
and social studies, with your boring topics.
i just wish school was like it used to be,
where things came naturally, things were fun,
and i easily got high 90s on absolutly everything.
but, those days are over,
and the real world is fast approaching.
fuckk, this should be interesting.
on another note, the other day i stayed up late
(till about 11, yes its a new record)
writing a letter to my future self to open.
geeze, theres so much that can happen in the next 6 years
and the future excites me beyond beleif,
especially since the next few are going to be wild and drastic.
i cant wait !
Saturday, November 28, 2009
santa.
so i basically did all of my xmas shopping today.
i spent less than $100, which is a suprise.
i kinda cheaped out, but hey,
im allowed to do that.
also, caitlin and i got our picture with santa.
and looking at it, brings back memories.
not of the present, but of the past.
i had to take out an old picture, to put the new one in,
and it kind of hurt.
i have issues moving on,
and just live in the past, even if it dsnt suit me.
so, i had to remove the picture of claire and i,
legitmately smiling, and having a ball,
for one with me mechanically smiling at the camera.
i dont know, it just seems...
like the past was so much, happier. carefree.
and, my old best friend promised me that we would get a picture.
but that was last year,
and things and people change.
even though we dont like it, or dont want it,
hell we have to accept it.
i spent less than $100, which is a suprise.
i kinda cheaped out, but hey,
im allowed to do that.
also, caitlin and i got our picture with santa.
and looking at it, brings back memories.
not of the present, but of the past.
i had to take out an old picture, to put the new one in,
and it kind of hurt.
i have issues moving on,
and just live in the past, even if it dsnt suit me.
so, i had to remove the picture of claire and i,
legitmately smiling, and having a ball,
for one with me mechanically smiling at the camera.
i dont know, it just seems...
like the past was so much, happier. carefree.
and, my old best friend promised me that we would get a picture.
but that was last year,
and things and people change.
even though we dont like it, or dont want it,
hell we have to accept it.
meet the family.
yesterday, i got to go to alanas house,
which was amazing BECAUSE:
shes somebody who can actually talk with me
and appreciates MLIA, and what white people like.
also, her family kicks bum.
it was nice to see a family that isnt disfunctional for a change.
i need to marry into that family,
but i supose i kinda blew that chance?
ptff. i supose it could just be an obsticle,
or over for good, but who in this world really knows?
for now, we're just going to say whatever, and move on.
which hasnt really been working too well.
any who, her parents drive me wild.
her father is quite the charcter, and i presume thats the place
where she gets her charm from ;)
which was amazing BECAUSE:
shes somebody who can actually talk with me
and appreciates MLIA, and what white people like.
also, her family kicks bum.
it was nice to see a family that isnt disfunctional for a change.
i need to marry into that family,
but i supose i kinda blew that chance?
ptff. i supose it could just be an obsticle,
or over for good, but who in this world really knows?
for now, we're just going to say whatever, and move on.
which hasnt really been working too well.
any who, her parents drive me wild.
her father is quite the charcter, and i presume thats the place
where she gets her charm from ;)
Sunday, November 22, 2009
swine.
so. i won a debate with my parents
on whether or not i should get the swine flu vaccine.
i won the debate,
against my laywer parents.
no shot for me,. thank god.
its not that i dont beleive in vaccines,
hell i have pleanty,
but i dont see swine flu as an issue.
its less of a threat than the common cold.
the media is blowing it out of proportion big time.
people need to stop freaking out and realzie this.
plus, my main thing, is that the long term effects arent determined.
about 30 years ago, doctors would give pregnant women pain meds
and you know what? they fucked up their babies.
contorted and disabled children were the result of this.
i dont want to have fucked up children because of the shot,
effects are not clear, and there is little to gain,
so why risk it?
on whether or not i should get the swine flu vaccine.
i won the debate,
against my laywer parents.
no shot for me,. thank god.
its not that i dont beleive in vaccines,
hell i have pleanty,
but i dont see swine flu as an issue.
its less of a threat than the common cold.
the media is blowing it out of proportion big time.
people need to stop freaking out and realzie this.
plus, my main thing, is that the long term effects arent determined.
about 30 years ago, doctors would give pregnant women pain meds
and you know what? they fucked up their babies.
contorted and disabled children were the result of this.
i dont want to have fucked up children because of the shot,
effects are not clear, and there is little to gain,
so why risk it?
Saturday, November 21, 2009
fuck.
i dont want to be involved anymore.
not just with you, but with anyone.
its too dangerous.
if i let you become my everything,
then it will be a repeat of this summer.
and, if that happens, then i may not be here anymore.
that fucked me up so much.
though, i dont understand why he cares so much,.
about people seeing us and judging.
people do that all the time, why would it matter?
i know i hurt you, damn i hurt myself too,
but if we cant fix this, then theres going to be alot of hurt
here for the rest of my fucking life.
why cant you see that im still dying?
or can you, and you just ignore it- because if you care,
then people will think less of you.
this is your downfall. or more so, my own.
because, in actuality, youre perfect.
its just those who are imperfect that are holding you back.
and for that, im sorry.
who am i trying to fool?
we had our run. and now, youre running on.
but, im still here babe.
still waiting for you to come back and get me.
but, youre not coming back.
and because of that, its impossible for me to move.
not just with you, but with anyone.
its too dangerous.
if i let you become my everything,
then it will be a repeat of this summer.
and, if that happens, then i may not be here anymore.
that fucked me up so much.
though, i dont understand why he cares so much,.
about people seeing us and judging.
people do that all the time, why would it matter?
i know i hurt you, damn i hurt myself too,
but if we cant fix this, then theres going to be alot of hurt
here for the rest of my fucking life.
why cant you see that im still dying?
or can you, and you just ignore it- because if you care,
then people will think less of you.
this is your downfall. or more so, my own.
because, in actuality, youre perfect.
its just those who are imperfect that are holding you back.
and for that, im sorry.
who am i trying to fool?
we had our run. and now, youre running on.
but, im still here babe.
still waiting for you to come back and get me.
but, youre not coming back.
and because of that, its impossible for me to move.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
gives you hell.
the BH debate was today
but i couldnt fucking go because of tryouts.
but i went to support jenny for her last debate anyways.
she was so good.
but i was dissapoined she never discussed communism and hitler :(
oh well. it happens.
and sjr totally cleaned out.
i wish i went there. that way, i could kick ass at debate
and would make hot rich debate boys fall in love with me.
CHA CHING.
really though, during the awards i was talking to this guy from grant park.
and we were giggling over the sjr boys and he was like
'if i were a chick, id be hitting on them non stop"
then i said, "what do you think i do when this is over?"
his face was priceless. dangg. i love debaters.
and i finally found out who mr. chase from sphs was.
hes quite the character. we discussed parahanas eating goldfish.
goodstuff.
anyways, i havnt started my homework. is it even nessecary? nawhh...
the american history speeches have me all excited.
i suck dick at memorizing, but its going to be epic.
but i couldnt fucking go because of tryouts.
but i went to support jenny for her last debate anyways.
she was so good.
but i was dissapoined she never discussed communism and hitler :(
oh well. it happens.
and sjr totally cleaned out.
i wish i went there. that way, i could kick ass at debate
and would make hot rich debate boys fall in love with me.
CHA CHING.
really though, during the awards i was talking to this guy from grant park.
and we were giggling over the sjr boys and he was like
'if i were a chick, id be hitting on them non stop"
then i said, "what do you think i do when this is over?"
his face was priceless. dangg. i love debaters.
and i finally found out who mr. chase from sphs was.
hes quite the character. we discussed parahanas eating goldfish.
goodstuff.
anyways, i havnt started my homework. is it even nessecary? nawhh...
the american history speeches have me all excited.
i suck dick at memorizing, but its going to be epic.
Friday, November 6, 2009
hair.
so i just had a shower.
and my hair feels so silky and light.
ITS SO FANTASTIC.
because its light and bouncy and smells good.
and to top it off, i have peanut butter.
yes, the actually stuff.
the leftover halloween candy is deminishing harshly.
delecious stuff.
sorry brock for eating your caramilk and milk duds.
they are delecious. dont hate me.
im in such a good mood right now.
everything just feels so... right.
im not worrying about the stress of this weekend,
and the stress of all the other stuff going on.
im just here head banging (not banging head ;p)
to some smashmouth, with my flippy hair and candy
in my family guy boxer shorts and mcgill shirt.
life is good. realize that.
and my hair feels so silky and light.
ITS SO FANTASTIC.
because its light and bouncy and smells good.
and to top it off, i have peanut butter.
yes, the actually stuff.
the leftover halloween candy is deminishing harshly.
delecious stuff.
sorry brock for eating your caramilk and milk duds.
they are delecious. dont hate me.
im in such a good mood right now.
everything just feels so... right.
im not worrying about the stress of this weekend,
and the stress of all the other stuff going on.
im just here head banging (not banging head ;p)
to some smashmouth, with my flippy hair and candy
in my family guy boxer shorts and mcgill shirt.
life is good. realize that.
h1n1.
hello swine flu.
you are invading the world.
LIES.
you are not a big deal. the media is making you sound all big and important, when in actuallity, youre not. just like steven harper.
i refuse to get the vaccine for you.
because you are not an epidemic.
not yet at least.
buy hey, the common cold is killing more than you are.
why should i be worried?
so what if you can be transfered to cats? like i care.
just stay away from centeral canada.
and if you come here.
then maybe, just maybe, ill get the vaccine.
but really? i highly doubt that day will come.
you are invading the world.
LIES.
you are not a big deal. the media is making you sound all big and important, when in actuallity, youre not. just like steven harper.
i refuse to get the vaccine for you.
because you are not an epidemic.
not yet at least.
buy hey, the common cold is killing more than you are.
why should i be worried?
so what if you can be transfered to cats? like i care.
just stay away from centeral canada.
and if you come here.
then maybe, just maybe, ill get the vaccine.
but really? i highly doubt that day will come.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
the challange.
im competative. life is a game.
when somebody says that i cant do something,
it drives me even harder to do it.
when you said, we could never be friends again,
it tore me apart,
and make me more determined to fix things.
its happened. things are fixed, or rather, in the process.
step by step, things are getting better.
but, you deny that things can go back to the way they were.
i cant deny that.
but can i make them better?
maybe.
just give me a chance.
and ill prove you wrong.
when somebody says that i cant do something,
it drives me even harder to do it.
when you said, we could never be friends again,
it tore me apart,
and make me more determined to fix things.
its happened. things are fixed, or rather, in the process.
step by step, things are getting better.
but, you deny that things can go back to the way they were.
i cant deny that.
but can i make them better?
maybe.
just give me a chance.
and ill prove you wrong.
Monday, November 2, 2009
mcgill
ohmygod.
so i got back from montreal yesterday-
or rather very very early this morning,
it was the best fucking experience ever.
the resolutions were so hardass. srs, look:
this house regrets the indictment of omar al basir
this house will ban all private schools
this house would fund in-vitro fertilization for those who cannot concieve
and others that i cant remember.
but the finals was the most intense shit ever
the resolution was: this house beleive a utopian society would be athiest.
holy fuck it made my day.
best halloween ever,
i met so many new people from all around the country.
some guy asked me out for lunch and my phone number- what a sweetie.
jenny and i bonded- and i realized that i suck with a map.
i toured montreal with mr burg and swazie- who are still in my phone,
and ate breakfast everyday at a cafe down the street
while yelling resolutions to the streets.
we shopped and stayed up late.
ordered room service, and stalked the hot sjr boys on the floor below.
watched a bald guy in the building next to us-
which isnt creepy because he had a cat and wrote equations on his windows.
god. there was just so much that went down, all of it great.
the trip totally opened my eyes to the world
and not just the world of insaine debate.
i learned that there is a mcgill kevin jonas look alike
and that UCC has a 42 000 tuition, and wicked skills.
its my dream to marry one of the guys who goes there. hes dreamy.
BUT. all in all, i learned:
do all your homework before you go away on a trip ;)
so i got back from montreal yesterday-
or rather very very early this morning,
it was the best fucking experience ever.
the resolutions were so hardass. srs, look:
this house regrets the indictment of omar al basir
this house will ban all private schools
this house would fund in-vitro fertilization for those who cannot concieve
and others that i cant remember.
but the finals was the most intense shit ever
the resolution was: this house beleive a utopian society would be athiest.
holy fuck it made my day.
best halloween ever,
i met so many new people from all around the country.
some guy asked me out for lunch and my phone number- what a sweetie.
jenny and i bonded- and i realized that i suck with a map.
i toured montreal with mr burg and swazie- who are still in my phone,
and ate breakfast everyday at a cafe down the street
while yelling resolutions to the streets.
we shopped and stayed up late.
ordered room service, and stalked the hot sjr boys on the floor below.
watched a bald guy in the building next to us-
which isnt creepy because he had a cat and wrote equations on his windows.
god. there was just so much that went down, all of it great.
the trip totally opened my eyes to the world
and not just the world of insaine debate.
i learned that there is a mcgill kevin jonas look alike
and that UCC has a 42 000 tuition, and wicked skills.
its my dream to marry one of the guys who goes there. hes dreamy.
BUT. all in all, i learned:
do all your homework before you go away on a trip ;)
Sunday, October 18, 2009
YES.
just got back from basketball.
gotta love the feeling of dried sweat plastered to your body.
its good. i love my team.
the coach works us like friggin animals,
but hey. thats what improvment is;
and if we dont strive to be better, then we're setting.
its all about carpe diem.
you gotta be willing to push yourself when it matters
and hang back when its appropriate.
thats what people get confused about when they hear 'live in the moment'.
you have to take advantage of every moment, yes,
but there are times where you just need to let that moment go,
and if youre mature enough, you will be able to reconize that.
speaking of maturity,
the mighty morphin' power rangers theme song is kickass.
i suggest you listen to it. its the best thing ever.
next to the song yes by lmfao.
that song is so fun. even though it is crazy dirty,
but hey. we all need to have those songs that let us just have fun and let go.
ew. debate needs to be worked on.
im so fucked. the resoltion makes no sense to me. HELP.
plus, theres math. which im on the verge of failing. fuck.
but, im cool just sitting here uploading pictures ;p
gotta love the feeling of dried sweat plastered to your body.
its good. i love my team.
the coach works us like friggin animals,
but hey. thats what improvment is;
and if we dont strive to be better, then we're setting.
its all about carpe diem.
you gotta be willing to push yourself when it matters
and hang back when its appropriate.
thats what people get confused about when they hear 'live in the moment'.
you have to take advantage of every moment, yes,
but there are times where you just need to let that moment go,
and if youre mature enough, you will be able to reconize that.
speaking of maturity,
the mighty morphin' power rangers theme song is kickass.
i suggest you listen to it. its the best thing ever.
next to the song yes by lmfao.
that song is so fun. even though it is crazy dirty,
but hey. we all need to have those songs that let us just have fun and let go.
ew. debate needs to be worked on.
im so fucked. the resoltion makes no sense to me. HELP.
plus, theres math. which im on the verge of failing. fuck.
but, im cool just sitting here uploading pictures ;p
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
poetry.
is it wrong that reciting 'to the virgins' to emma made my day?
god. i just love that poem.
AND PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW THAT.
speaking of english class,
funniest thing ever.
saj was like "WHEN SHE IS DONE PEAKING-"
funniest shit ever.
im allowed to be immature. as long as nobody else knows.
ps, that link i posted last time,
im still in love with it. here are the lyrics:
excuse me, there, molly
i couldn't help but notice your hair
it's fantastic today
i set the alarm on my power rangers wristwatch
so i would remember i had to be there
when you were leaving math class
there's something I've been meaning to ask
hey molly, can we go to the dance?
if you don't want to, then i'll understand
but if you like me, then come take my hand
and if you'll love me then i'll never play halo again.
i don't drink coffee but i'll buy you hot chocolate instead
i heard you like comics, i've got a bunch we can read
when we're stretched out on my ninja turtles bedspread
we can watch cats on youtube
or watch me solve this rubik's cube in two minutes
hey molly, can we go to the dance?
if you don't want to, then i'll understand
but if you like me, then come take my hand
and if you'll love me then i'll never play Warcraft again.
it's ok if you don't want to go
there will be no hard feelings, this i will tell you
but in my dreams, i think you should know
we've been dancing, quite awkwardly, to the theme song from zelda
hey molly, wont you come to the dance?
if you don't want to, then i'll understand
but if you like me, wont you come take my hand
and if you'll love me then i'll never play halo,
please love me and ill never play halo, just love me,
and ill never play halo again.
never again.
god. i just love that poem.
AND PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW THAT.
speaking of english class,
funniest thing ever.
saj was like "WHEN SHE IS DONE PEAKING-"
funniest shit ever.
im allowed to be immature. as long as nobody else knows.
ps, that link i posted last time,
im still in love with it. here are the lyrics:
excuse me, there, molly
i couldn't help but notice your hair
it's fantastic today
i set the alarm on my power rangers wristwatch
so i would remember i had to be there
when you were leaving math class
there's something I've been meaning to ask
hey molly, can we go to the dance?
if you don't want to, then i'll understand
but if you like me, then come take my hand
and if you'll love me then i'll never play halo again.
i don't drink coffee but i'll buy you hot chocolate instead
i heard you like comics, i've got a bunch we can read
when we're stretched out on my ninja turtles bedspread
we can watch cats on youtube
or watch me solve this rubik's cube in two minutes
hey molly, can we go to the dance?
if you don't want to, then i'll understand
but if you like me, then come take my hand
and if you'll love me then i'll never play Warcraft again.
it's ok if you don't want to go
there will be no hard feelings, this i will tell you
but in my dreams, i think you should know
we've been dancing, quite awkwardly, to the theme song from zelda
hey molly, wont you come to the dance?
if you don't want to, then i'll understand
but if you like me, wont you come take my hand
and if you'll love me then i'll never play halo,
please love me and ill never play halo, just love me,
and ill never play halo again.
never again.
Monday, October 12, 2009
youtube.
best song ever...
well, maybe besides mr. brightside.
check it out you hotties.
makes me laugh and cry at the same time <3:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lJRn0lnpUzc
well, maybe besides mr. brightside.
check it out you hotties.
makes me laugh and cry at the same time <3:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lJRn0lnpUzc
giving thanks.
yesterday was thanksiving.
oh wait no, or is it today?
i dont know, its probally today.
anyways, my famjam went out for dinner yesterday.
and of course, my brothers are moody so im left being in charge
so i get to be the conversational sibiling- once again.
then after i went back to my grandparents,
but ended up sleeping on the floor instead.
and when im sleepy, im very... outspoken.
grandmother was telling a story:
"before i was a grandmother, and a mother-"
then of course i jump in a say, "YOU WERE A HOT LITTLE THING?"
grandmother bursts out laughing.
geeze ive never seen her laugh for so long.
good to know i made somebodys day with my strange humor.
oh wait no, or is it today?
i dont know, its probally today.
anyways, my famjam went out for dinner yesterday.
and of course, my brothers are moody so im left being in charge
so i get to be the conversational sibiling- once again.
then after i went back to my grandparents,
but ended up sleeping on the floor instead.
and when im sleepy, im very... outspoken.
grandmother was telling a story:
"before i was a grandmother, and a mother-"
then of course i jump in a say, "YOU WERE A HOT LITTLE THING?"
grandmother bursts out laughing.
geeze ive never seen her laugh for so long.
good to know i made somebodys day with my strange humor.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
sickness?
so. im home sick from the retrally.
best day ever.
slept in until 830.
read that book recebba, and it got so friggin intense.
i did not expect it of the book. congrats.
then i had some cookies and went on facebook.
followed by some delecious pasta
coupled with star trek and ben & jerrys chocolate chip.
fk. star trek was so good.
it was the orginial series- the western episode
where everybody lives because spock uses his vulcan mind games to convince the crew that the bullets are nothing but illisions.
gotta love that. and chekoff got some action. hilarious.
now, i plan on calling up mart, so we can wallow in our poor health.
farewell.
best day ever.
slept in until 830.
read that book recebba, and it got so friggin intense.
i did not expect it of the book. congrats.
then i had some cookies and went on facebook.
followed by some delecious pasta
coupled with star trek and ben & jerrys chocolate chip.
fk. star trek was so good.
it was the orginial series- the western episode
where everybody lives because spock uses his vulcan mind games to convince the crew that the bullets are nothing but illisions.
gotta love that. and chekoff got some action. hilarious.
now, i plan on calling up mart, so we can wallow in our poor health.
farewell.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
teenage sins.
so. at this age, there are three things-
drinking, drugs, and sex-
that consume our minds.
well, maybe not consume. but are pressured to do.
and you know what?
ive been pressured into each one too many times.
so, fuck that. im going 100% clean.
well, maybe 98% clean.
one does need the occasional make out session and drink.
nothing extreme though.
our lives shouldnt be boiled down to such bad things at this age.
drinknig is tempting.
everyones doing it, and it does look fun.
but the concenquences are too extreme to even go there,
and even if you do take a little, id rather not.
also, drugs- not as tempting, but the pressure is still there-
not at st marys of course.
but, my public school friends are like 'hurray. pot. crack. lets get high.'
NO. its icky and kills your body and brain.
its so much worse than drinking- in my mindset at least.
you can get hooked, and you can get kicked out of places, and parents...
its just too great a risk.
finally, sex.
a HUGE pressure.
anyone whos dated has been there.
and even those who havnt have also been there.
i used to view it as not a big deal. but really guys?
once you lose it, theres no going back. ever.
and you cant understand that until youve lost something or someone
who is never coming back to you. ever.
your perfect guy deserves that- and yeah, he IS out there.. somewhere.
dont take that away from him- even though he may be from you.
being young and confused is what being a teenager is for.
well, thats part of it.
the other part is sorting out that confusion and growing up.
so. dont fall into temptation.
sort your opinions out somewhere at home, so when the moment comes to act
you know what is best for you.
and you dont act on instinct. its often wrong.
so guys, just be wary.
drinking, drugs, and sex-
that consume our minds.
well, maybe not consume. but are pressured to do.
and you know what?
ive been pressured into each one too many times.
so, fuck that. im going 100% clean.
well, maybe 98% clean.
one does need the occasional make out session and drink.
nothing extreme though.
our lives shouldnt be boiled down to such bad things at this age.
drinknig is tempting.
everyones doing it, and it does look fun.
but the concenquences are too extreme to even go there,
and even if you do take a little, id rather not.
also, drugs- not as tempting, but the pressure is still there-
not at st marys of course.
but, my public school friends are like 'hurray. pot. crack. lets get high.'
NO. its icky and kills your body and brain.
its so much worse than drinking- in my mindset at least.
you can get hooked, and you can get kicked out of places, and parents...
its just too great a risk.
finally, sex.
a HUGE pressure.
anyone whos dated has been there.
and even those who havnt have also been there.
i used to view it as not a big deal. but really guys?
once you lose it, theres no going back. ever.
and you cant understand that until youve lost something or someone
who is never coming back to you. ever.
your perfect guy deserves that- and yeah, he IS out there.. somewhere.
dont take that away from him- even though he may be from you.
being young and confused is what being a teenager is for.
well, thats part of it.
the other part is sorting out that confusion and growing up.
so. dont fall into temptation.
sort your opinions out somewhere at home, so when the moment comes to act
you know what is best for you.
and you dont act on instinct. its often wrong.
so guys, just be wary.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
blog happiness.
ive been blogging alot latley about one subject:
lost love.
well fuck that. its no longer a topic.
MOVING ON IS FRIGGIN GREAT.
and by that i mean basically impossible.
just trying to be optomistic.
WELL, today is my brothers 2 week belated brithday brunch.
heading over to the grand'rents for some cake and whatnot.
im quiet excited.
because the cake they make is always delecious.
one of these days i have to go over there and learn how to make it.
mostly because mother sucks ass at cooking,
and its a family tradition.
so its between me and brock. andrew cant cook. at all.
and after that brunch, homework.
fuck. i have so much.
social questions and studying. so fucked over, SO FUCKED OVER.
then theres math that i hardly understand.
ill do that... maybe.
and american history reading. thats easy enough,
just uber time consuming. meh.
and...finding a history book to read.
and working on that ela symbols project.
its just the social. that. is. fucking. me. up. the ass.
IHATEGEOGRAPHY.
and for that matter, i hate math too.
lost love.
well fuck that. its no longer a topic.
MOVING ON IS FRIGGIN GREAT.
and by that i mean basically impossible.
just trying to be optomistic.
WELL, today is my brothers 2 week belated brithday brunch.
heading over to the grand'rents for some cake and whatnot.
im quiet excited.
because the cake they make is always delecious.
one of these days i have to go over there and learn how to make it.
mostly because mother sucks ass at cooking,
and its a family tradition.
so its between me and brock. andrew cant cook. at all.
and after that brunch, homework.
fuck. i have so much.
social questions and studying. so fucked over, SO FUCKED OVER.
then theres math that i hardly understand.
ill do that... maybe.
and american history reading. thats easy enough,
just uber time consuming. meh.
and...finding a history book to read.
and working on that ela symbols project.
its just the social. that. is. fucking. me. up. the ass.
IHATEGEOGRAPHY.
and for that matter, i hate math too.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
changes.
so. over the past month or so, ive changed.
alot.
just to clarify, mostly to myself, this is how:
before:
chasity is a joke.
people should be having sex whenever they want to.
ho it up everywhere you go- who cares?!
dont care what people think. ever,
its only your opinion that matters.
simple plan. very limited music choices-
i wouldnt dare tell i love taylor swift to the world.
sput of the moment decisions are the best kind.
...i wasnt ready for you.
after:
sex should wait. not nesscarily until marriage,
but until you find that person youre sure you want to marry.
dont flaunt your body in a negative way,
nobody wants a negative repuitation with the record to match.
other peoples opinions matter- not everybodys though.
just the opinions of those close to you.
anything from the jo-bros to motley crue, from taylor swift to avenged sevelfold,
those are the bands i love.
think out your decisions, so when the moment arrives
you know what to do. dont get trapped.
...i needed you.
ive learned so much in this short period of time.
its changed me for the better.
and for that, i thank you.
tonight, i think ill have a one-woman bonfire.
im burning all my memories of you. lets see if it helps.
alot.
just to clarify, mostly to myself, this is how:
before:
chasity is a joke.
people should be having sex whenever they want to.
ho it up everywhere you go- who cares?!
dont care what people think. ever,
its only your opinion that matters.
simple plan. very limited music choices-
i wouldnt dare tell i love taylor swift to the world.
sput of the moment decisions are the best kind.
...i wasnt ready for you.
after:
sex should wait. not nesscarily until marriage,
but until you find that person youre sure you want to marry.
dont flaunt your body in a negative way,
nobody wants a negative repuitation with the record to match.
other peoples opinions matter- not everybodys though.
just the opinions of those close to you.
anything from the jo-bros to motley crue, from taylor swift to avenged sevelfold,
those are the bands i love.
think out your decisions, so when the moment arrives
you know what to do. dont get trapped.
...i needed you.
ive learned so much in this short period of time.
its changed me for the better.
and for that, i thank you.
tonight, i think ill have a one-woman bonfire.
im burning all my memories of you. lets see if it helps.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
stabbed.
i keep hangnig onto hope.
and each time i clamber for it, i get stabbed in the heart.
over. and over. and over again.
i cant take much more of this.
i sware, im trying to let go of you.
i really dont want to.
but i have to,
since youre convinced its best.
this wont happen anytime soon.
but, if you dont make your move soon, ill be gone.
ptff. there i go again.
hanging onto a shred of hope.
why cant i just drop it?
you dont want me. youre never coming bac.
i guess im one of those people who need to hear it from you.
i dont regret not talking to you today.
its too soon.
maybe.. with time, we'll both cool down.
but i doubt it.
and it rips me. shreds me into a thousand pieces.
that are then scattered in the wind by you, for me to collect.
havnt i gone through enough pain?
youll say, its all my fault in the first place.
well, yeah. it really is. theres nobody to blame but myself.
i hate myself.
id kill myself, but then all hope would be lost for us.
im not giving up, love.
and each time i clamber for it, i get stabbed in the heart.
over. and over. and over again.
i cant take much more of this.
i sware, im trying to let go of you.
i really dont want to.
but i have to,
since youre convinced its best.
this wont happen anytime soon.
but, if you dont make your move soon, ill be gone.
ptff. there i go again.
hanging onto a shred of hope.
why cant i just drop it?
you dont want me. youre never coming bac.
i guess im one of those people who need to hear it from you.
i dont regret not talking to you today.
its too soon.
maybe.. with time, we'll both cool down.
but i doubt it.
and it rips me. shreds me into a thousand pieces.
that are then scattered in the wind by you, for me to collect.
havnt i gone through enough pain?
youll say, its all my fault in the first place.
well, yeah. it really is. theres nobody to blame but myself.
i hate myself.
id kill myself, but then all hope would be lost for us.
im not giving up, love.
expectations.
i was ready for you to approach me.
thats what i heard the rumors were, at least.
i decided what my reaction would be, and what to say.
but, that preparing and anxiety all went to waste.
i dont know why im still crazy over you.
i shouldnt be.
i broke your heart, and you broke mine,
and you made it clear that no matter how much duct tape i have
its not going to become fixed.
so i picked up the pieces and im doing it on my own.
lets keep it that way.
...
and yet, im not sure if i mean that.
thats what i heard the rumors were, at least.
i decided what my reaction would be, and what to say.
but, that preparing and anxiety all went to waste.
i dont know why im still crazy over you.
i shouldnt be.
i broke your heart, and you broke mine,
and you made it clear that no matter how much duct tape i have
its not going to become fixed.
so i picked up the pieces and im doing it on my own.
lets keep it that way.
...
and yet, im not sure if i mean that.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
best friend.
dear best friend:
hey. why did you have to move away?
i know we wernt very close anymore, but you were still my best friend.
now, with distance, we faded and the bond is weak.
you were always there. and i miss you.
i need to call you. like, actually call you.
let me tell you a little something,
dont fall in love with your best friend.
love your best friend, yeah, but dont get mixed up with romance.
its just... too complicated-
unless youre sure thats what you want.
sorry 'bout that honey. but, i wasnt ready i guess.
youre a great guy. and i miss you.
i need to talk to you. like, seriously talk to you.
and now, ghost of my best friends,
i have nobody left. you were it.
my best girl friend forever and my best guy friend forever.
my soul mates, if you will.
now. now theres nothing.
love,
regret.
ps. im spiraling into a void.
thats what no love will do to a person.
hey. why did you have to move away?
i know we wernt very close anymore, but you were still my best friend.
now, with distance, we faded and the bond is weak.
you were always there. and i miss you.
i need to call you. like, actually call you.
let me tell you a little something,
dont fall in love with your best friend.
love your best friend, yeah, but dont get mixed up with romance.
its just... too complicated-
unless youre sure thats what you want.
sorry 'bout that honey. but, i wasnt ready i guess.
youre a great guy. and i miss you.
i need to talk to you. like, seriously talk to you.
and now, ghost of my best friends,
i have nobody left. you were it.
my best girl friend forever and my best guy friend forever.
my soul mates, if you will.
now. now theres nothing.
love,
regret.
ps. im spiraling into a void.
thats what no love will do to a person.
arghh.
i hear ya dancer; busy-ness.
just, to busy to do the little things latley.
like, homework, sports, and sleep takes priority.
everything else falls into the 'do later' list.
so stuff like calling friends, making plans, taking alone time,
and for me, even showering (i know, gross).
so, this weekend, i took a little more allie time.
its sunday, and today is my homework day.
cuz on friday and saturday i went to a basketball game
and sat at home with peppermint tea and chocolate jujubes
watching food network.
id call that a great weekend.
so now, i gotta find that happy medium.
that seems to cause everybody some trouble.
just, to busy to do the little things latley.
like, homework, sports, and sleep takes priority.
everything else falls into the 'do later' list.
so stuff like calling friends, making plans, taking alone time,
and for me, even showering (i know, gross).
so, this weekend, i took a little more allie time.
its sunday, and today is my homework day.
cuz on friday and saturday i went to a basketball game
and sat at home with peppermint tea and chocolate jujubes
watching food network.
id call that a great weekend.
so now, i gotta find that happy medium.
that seems to cause everybody some trouble.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
greatness.
life is great.
school is a whole bunch of work,
but the people are amazing,
and i can handle it. im there to learn after all.
im taking up karate again,
which is going to get super busy,
but im doing a self defense course at sjr
WHICH IS GOING TO KICK ASS.
im teaching the grade 11s (BOYS!!) and get to miss the afternoon,
so ela and geo.
plus, i dont mind having a very limited social life.
i have a few really good friends, and thats all i need.
basketball, karate, volunteering, family stuff, homework, and running
thats all i can really handle ;p
school is a whole bunch of work,
but the people are amazing,
and i can handle it. im there to learn after all.
im taking up karate again,
which is going to get super busy,
but im doing a self defense course at sjr
WHICH IS GOING TO KICK ASS.
im teaching the grade 11s (BOYS!!) and get to miss the afternoon,
so ela and geo.
plus, i dont mind having a very limited social life.
i have a few really good friends, and thats all i need.
basketball, karate, volunteering, family stuff, homework, and running
thats all i can really handle ;p
Sunday, September 13, 2009
shallow.
people tend to think im kinda shallow,
because im super self absorbed and boy obessed.
but i kinda realized,
that if anything, im one of the least shallow people out there.
i dont go for looks.
they dont matter.
as long as i dont cringe when i look at a guy,
thats great.
everybody else is like "OOO SEX LINES AND 6 PACK ARE MANDITORY"
but really?
as long as they can make me laugh and hold up a conversation,
then he has my heart.
because im super self absorbed and boy obessed.
but i kinda realized,
that if anything, im one of the least shallow people out there.
i dont go for looks.
they dont matter.
as long as i dont cringe when i look at a guy,
thats great.
everybody else is like "OOO SEX LINES AND 6 PACK ARE MANDITORY"
but really?
as long as they can make me laugh and hold up a conversation,
then he has my heart.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
settle.
nothings really been going on.
school, of course, but thats lame.
i spent all last night doing my homework.
thanks to jasmin, for the reminder on the math.
so my us map is done, my social map is almost done,
polynomials is finito, religion is completed,
and all i have to do is that social write up on i dont know what.
see? all boring stuff.
school, of course, but thats lame.
i spent all last night doing my homework.
thanks to jasmin, for the reminder on the math.
so my us map is done, my social map is almost done,
polynomials is finito, religion is completed,
and all i have to do is that social write up on i dont know what.
see? all boring stuff.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
what i learned.
people say you learn something new everyday,
well, heres what i learned this summer:
you can never get enough pudding/
a pocket thesaurus is a girls best friend/
making out during family guy is just a bad idea/
heels and long walks do not match- neither do long walks and no shoes/
mongos has possibly the best stir fry in the world/
some things never change/
despite the heat, always carry a blanket or sweater/
screw crunches, self confidence makes a hot body/
computer games can become overlly addicting/
how to label a chessboard/
chess straegy and tactics/
MONOPOLY!/
dont go sit in massage chairs with friends, roll solo/
its never too far to walk to get ice cream/
judge a school by its website/
people inside short shorts can actually be nice/
never trust somebody with a shirt that dsnt fit right/
its better to actually cover your shit. dig a hole./
portaging is for the hardasses only/
anthony wightman is the coolest kid i will ever meet/
thet first harry potter book makes all the charcters sound retarded/
for piercing anything but the earlobe, you cant go to claires/
my parents are terrified of piercing places/
my mother has awesome shoes/
rock is the best genre ever/
sticky notes are a fantastic invention/
dont trust a ho/
skinny dipping with 10 people is reccomended/
never get a 3 year phone contract/
always keep your phone ringer on. just in case/
many things were learned, and those were just a few.
welcome back to school everybody.
well, heres what i learned this summer:
you can never get enough pudding/
a pocket thesaurus is a girls best friend/
making out during family guy is just a bad idea/
heels and long walks do not match- neither do long walks and no shoes/
mongos has possibly the best stir fry in the world/
some things never change/
despite the heat, always carry a blanket or sweater/
screw crunches, self confidence makes a hot body/
computer games can become overlly addicting/
how to label a chessboard/
chess straegy and tactics/
MONOPOLY!/
dont go sit in massage chairs with friends, roll solo/
its never too far to walk to get ice cream/
judge a school by its website/
people inside short shorts can actually be nice/
never trust somebody with a shirt that dsnt fit right/
its better to actually cover your shit. dig a hole./
portaging is for the hardasses only/
anthony wightman is the coolest kid i will ever meet/
thet first harry potter book makes all the charcters sound retarded/
for piercing anything but the earlobe, you cant go to claires/
my parents are terrified of piercing places/
my mother has awesome shoes/
rock is the best genre ever/
sticky notes are a fantastic invention/
dont trust a ho/
skinny dipping with 10 people is reccomended/
never get a 3 year phone contract/
always keep your phone ringer on. just in case/
many things were learned, and those were just a few.
welcome back to school everybody.
experience.
ive been told over and over from different people
that high school is suposed to be the best time of your life.
well, i just dont think it is for me.
and i beleive its because of my school.
st marys, i feel, isnt really giving me the high school experience.
i want competive sports, and cliques, and cutting class,
topped off with giggling over boys in the washroom.
also with wearing sweats whenever you please.
you cant do any of that at st marys.
the sports and always desperate for people.
the girls are too nice to be overlly cliquish.
and there no no boys...except for the teachers :/
i just want something different, so thats why im looking into different schools.
SJR: too elite. the people there arent my style.
shaftsbury: too...normal.
oak park: possible...i do have alot of friends there,
who i love, and seem to enjoy the school.
grant park: what my parents want, but the website sucks
which i find overlly annoying.
kelvin: they havnt emailed me back yet, when all the other schools have.
though, i have heard fantastic things. its choice number two or three.
u of w collegiate: the semisters are like university,
and i think thats cool and unique.
the only thing is that its not social at all. i need to take my opinion on that.
currently, its choice number one for next year.
i guess we'll see.
that high school is suposed to be the best time of your life.
well, i just dont think it is for me.
and i beleive its because of my school.
st marys, i feel, isnt really giving me the high school experience.
i want competive sports, and cliques, and cutting class,
topped off with giggling over boys in the washroom.
also with wearing sweats whenever you please.
you cant do any of that at st marys.
the sports and always desperate for people.
the girls are too nice to be overlly cliquish.
and there no no boys...except for the teachers :/
i just want something different, so thats why im looking into different schools.
SJR: too elite. the people there arent my style.
shaftsbury: too...normal.
oak park: possible...i do have alot of friends there,
who i love, and seem to enjoy the school.
grant park: what my parents want, but the website sucks
which i find overlly annoying.
kelvin: they havnt emailed me back yet, when all the other schools have.
though, i have heard fantastic things. its choice number two or three.
u of w collegiate: the semisters are like university,
and i think thats cool and unique.
the only thing is that its not social at all. i need to take my opinion on that.
currently, its choice number one for next year.
i guess we'll see.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
slap in the face.
have you ever just had a moment-
one where you just stare into nothing,
then hate yourself?
i just did.
i know you dont read this...anymore,
but, youre drivnig me INSAINE.
i know we can never go back to being us,
but i just need to talk with you.
go back to even small talk, not ignoring me.
i was straing at this screen for god knows how long,
and i didnt even register it.
all i knew was that i was stupid and i destroyed you.
out of nowhere, i slapped myself.
hard, across the face.
its what i do in basketball, when im not feeling awake.
i slap myself lightly on the cheeks to get ready for the game.
i feel its restores alertness to whats going on.
it was like that,
except much harder and even angry,
and more like i was trying to wake myself from a nightmare.
now i know im awake.
...
i wont get over you.
note* i didnt say 'cant', i said 'wont'.
as in its not humanly possibly.
one where you just stare into nothing,
then hate yourself?
i just did.
i know you dont read this...anymore,
but, youre drivnig me INSAINE.
i know we can never go back to being us,
but i just need to talk with you.
go back to even small talk, not ignoring me.
i was straing at this screen for god knows how long,
and i didnt even register it.
all i knew was that i was stupid and i destroyed you.
out of nowhere, i slapped myself.
hard, across the face.
its what i do in basketball, when im not feeling awake.
i slap myself lightly on the cheeks to get ready for the game.
i feel its restores alertness to whats going on.
it was like that,
except much harder and even angry,
and more like i was trying to wake myself from a nightmare.
now i know im awake.
...
i wont get over you.
note* i didnt say 'cant', i said 'wont'.
as in its not humanly possibly.
copycat.
sorry guys, i hate to copy people
but i just thought this was too cute to pass up,
and i dont like being out of the loop :/
kinda like mother... ANYWAYS;
FIVE things you wish you could say to FIVE different people right now:
1. youre a mean person. get help please.
2. dont worry about it honey, youll love it.
3. does black actually look bad on me?
4. i cant forgive you, even though i act like it.
5. i love you.
TEN things about yourself:
1. i dont shave my legs for about a month at a time
2. i sweat like theres no tommorow
3. sticky notes amuse the hell out of me
4. cutting vegtables is defanitley not my strong point
5. without my calander, all would be lost
6. im excited to prove myself to him.
7. im too young for boys... i just dont aknowledge it
8. hells kitchen is on. i want to marry chef ramsey... if i were middle aged
9. i would wear sweats everyday if i could
10. my ringtone is the theme music of star trek
SEVEN ways to win your heart:
1. write me hand written notes
2. have a sense of humor- make me laugh
3. play an instrument...preferably guitar
4. wear dark wash jeans that hug your body just a little...
5. have your own personality, and dont be afraid to show it
6. text or call me, if though you know i wont/cant answer
7. kiss me, hold me- even if i say no. create sexual tension.
SEVEN things that cross your mind a lot:
1. youre out of reach
2. you refuse to talk to me
3. things will never be the same
4. im moving on... what a lie.
5. come back to me? things can change..?
6. im sorry on so many levels.
7. i know our hearts hurt, even more so since we're aprat.
FOUR things you do before you fall asleep:
1. read
2. listen to music
3. text message
4. close the blinds
FOUR things you see right now:
1. september 2009 calander
2. postcard from nova scotia
3. blue saftey scissors
4. fileing cabinet
THREE songs that you listen to often:
1. warrior poet- the classic crime
2. wake me up before you go go- wham
3. scream- avenged sevenfold
TWO things you want to do before you die:
1. have a true near death experience
2. find love, and act properly.
ONE confession:
1. i fell in love with my best friend, i no longer have love nor a best friend.
but i just thought this was too cute to pass up,
and i dont like being out of the loop :/
kinda like mother... ANYWAYS;
FIVE things you wish you could say to FIVE different people right now:
1. youre a mean person. get help please.
2. dont worry about it honey, youll love it.
3. does black actually look bad on me?
4. i cant forgive you, even though i act like it.
5. i love you.
TEN things about yourself:
1. i dont shave my legs for about a month at a time
2. i sweat like theres no tommorow
3. sticky notes amuse the hell out of me
4. cutting vegtables is defanitley not my strong point
5. without my calander, all would be lost
6. im excited to prove myself to him.
7. im too young for boys... i just dont aknowledge it
8. hells kitchen is on. i want to marry chef ramsey... if i were middle aged
9. i would wear sweats everyday if i could
10. my ringtone is the theme music of star trek
SEVEN ways to win your heart:
1. write me hand written notes
2. have a sense of humor- make me laugh
3. play an instrument...preferably guitar
4. wear dark wash jeans that hug your body just a little...
5. have your own personality, and dont be afraid to show it
6. text or call me, if though you know i wont/cant answer
7. kiss me, hold me- even if i say no. create sexual tension.
SEVEN things that cross your mind a lot:
1. youre out of reach
2. you refuse to talk to me
3. things will never be the same
4. im moving on... what a lie.
5. come back to me? things can change..?
6. im sorry on so many levels.
7. i know our hearts hurt, even more so since we're aprat.
FOUR things you do before you fall asleep:
1. read
2. listen to music
3. text message
4. close the blinds
FOUR things you see right now:
1. september 2009 calander
2. postcard from nova scotia
3. blue saftey scissors
4. fileing cabinet
THREE songs that you listen to often:
1. warrior poet- the classic crime
2. wake me up before you go go- wham
3. scream- avenged sevenfold
TWO things you want to do before you die:
1. have a true near death experience
2. find love, and act properly.
ONE confession:
1. i fell in love with my best friend, i no longer have love nor a best friend.
Monday, September 7, 2009
letting go.
so, today i got back from the states with my family
we went to bemidji.
the weather was to die for and its on a lake- do the math.
needless to say, i spent the whole trip playing on my DS.
pokemon and fire emblem.
they are my drugs.
i love fire emblem to death for more reason that one.
1. its set in a mideavel preiod of whatever,
it has knights, dragons, and archers. shit i love.
2. its a strategy game.
therefore not a total waste of time, plus the format is superb.
3. it has 3 save spots so if i fk up i can go back and fix it.
4. lastly, it showed me that i have letting go issues.
i kept restarting the game because i refused to let my pirate die.
i let my archer and priest die earlier on,
but they wernt cool. not like my pirate.
so as im writing this, i am sill figuring out ways to evade my pirates death.
this fact that i cannot let go of things...or people...
can be applied in life.
but right now, screw that shit.
i have fire emblem to play.
we went to bemidji.
the weather was to die for and its on a lake- do the math.
needless to say, i spent the whole trip playing on my DS.
pokemon and fire emblem.
they are my drugs.
i love fire emblem to death for more reason that one.
1. its set in a mideavel preiod of whatever,
it has knights, dragons, and archers. shit i love.
2. its a strategy game.
therefore not a total waste of time, plus the format is superb.
3. it has 3 save spots so if i fk up i can go back and fix it.
4. lastly, it showed me that i have letting go issues.
i kept restarting the game because i refused to let my pirate die.
i let my archer and priest die earlier on,
but they wernt cool. not like my pirate.
so as im writing this, i am sill figuring out ways to evade my pirates death.
this fact that i cannot let go of things...or people...
can be applied in life.
but right now, screw that shit.
i have fire emblem to play.
Friday, September 4, 2009
with time.
waiting things out usually solves things like this.
erosion of the situation, if you will.
well, its been...i have no idea how long,
but it feels like years
and the time weve had feels like minutes.
i miss you.
theres so much i wanted us to do.
everything i do reminds me of you.
i dont know if you feel the same way,
but really? you can only stay mad for so long.
youre a forgiving guy.
im hoping youll show me that side of you.
ive been trying to move on-
talk to friends, meet new people, get in a relationship.
but, i dont really have the will power to do it.
the day after our...last fight,if you want to call it that,
i sat in the basement under a blanket for two days
staring at the blank wall eating pails of ben and jerrys,
waiting for the phone to ring.
or really, praying that it would.
i knew it wouldnt though. it never did.
not a day goes by that i dont think about you or regret my mistakes.
i know i cant take anything back,
and i beleive that i shouldnt, since everything happens for a reason.
alana told me a saying that i havnt heard in a while:
if you love something set it free, if it comes back its yours.
if not, it was never yours to begin with.
youd say you can only come back so many times.
i sort of agree... but, you blew it way out of proportion.
you really did.
but i love you regardless.
do what you will. ill be here- but not forever.
i cant gaurentee that.
erosion of the situation, if you will.
well, its been...i have no idea how long,
but it feels like years
and the time weve had feels like minutes.
i miss you.
theres so much i wanted us to do.
everything i do reminds me of you.
i dont know if you feel the same way,
but really? you can only stay mad for so long.
youre a forgiving guy.
im hoping youll show me that side of you.
ive been trying to move on-
talk to friends, meet new people, get in a relationship.
but, i dont really have the will power to do it.
the day after our...last fight,if you want to call it that,
i sat in the basement under a blanket for two days
staring at the blank wall eating pails of ben and jerrys,
waiting for the phone to ring.
or really, praying that it would.
i knew it wouldnt though. it never did.
not a day goes by that i dont think about you or regret my mistakes.
i know i cant take anything back,
and i beleive that i shouldnt, since everything happens for a reason.
alana told me a saying that i havnt heard in a while:
if you love something set it free, if it comes back its yours.
if not, it was never yours to begin with.
youd say you can only come back so many times.
i sort of agree... but, you blew it way out of proportion.
you really did.
but i love you regardless.
do what you will. ill be here- but not forever.
i cant gaurentee that.
Monday, August 31, 2009
programming.
i got my phone back- thank jesus.
there was something fkd about the system
so we whiped it and now, it should be good.
stupid programming.
a year and a half until my contracts over :/
there was something fkd about the system
so we whiped it and now, it should be good.
stupid programming.
a year and a half until my contracts over :/
Sunday, August 30, 2009
loner.
today, my phone finally crashed...for good.
so, im now using the phone i had in the sixth and seventh grade.
it capitalizes every word and uses t9.
i hate it.
actually, its not that bad.
i just have to use it until feburary or so-
until whenever MTS and rogers collide into one uber company.
because then all contracts will change and shit will get better.
see picture of my lame phone to the right.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
onion.
you know in the first shrek movie,
how shrek is talking to donkey about how he has layers?
the onion peels off layer after layer
and after an eternity of trying, you get to the centre.
alot of people are like that.
my friends are all complex people with complex emotions and reactions.
but, me? im not very complex,
and i find that really sad.
im a very simple person.
only in certian areas, after provoking me, do situations become complex.
every human being has some layers to their self.
and when exposed to someone, they peel off until they know who you are
almost as well as you do. or sometimes, even better.
to most, thats a frightening though.
who would want to have people predict your every move and emotion?
me, actually.
im not too hard to figure out.
and the one person who was almost there...
well, grew tired of peeling the same layers away, to say the least.
i crave somebody to do that. somebody new.
thats why im looking forward to the new school year so much.
ill get to meet new people.
more potential best friends. more potential boyfriend material.
right now, im desperate for friendship.
ill do anything to get it.
tonight, im going to the mall to talk with strangers.
maybe somebody interesting will turn up.
then again, maybe not.
how shrek is talking to donkey about how he has layers?
the onion peels off layer after layer
and after an eternity of trying, you get to the centre.
alot of people are like that.
my friends are all complex people with complex emotions and reactions.
but, me? im not very complex,
and i find that really sad.
im a very simple person.
only in certian areas, after provoking me, do situations become complex.
every human being has some layers to their self.
and when exposed to someone, they peel off until they know who you are
almost as well as you do. or sometimes, even better.
to most, thats a frightening though.
who would want to have people predict your every move and emotion?
me, actually.
im not too hard to figure out.
and the one person who was almost there...
well, grew tired of peeling the same layers away, to say the least.
i crave somebody to do that. somebody new.
thats why im looking forward to the new school year so much.
ill get to meet new people.
more potential best friends. more potential boyfriend material.
right now, im desperate for friendship.
ill do anything to get it.
tonight, im going to the mall to talk with strangers.
maybe somebody interesting will turn up.
then again, maybe not.
the power of knowing.
im not a stupid person.
i get good grades in school and have enough common sense to get me by.
but... thats not enough.
i love it when people tell me things i dont know,
its fun to know.
but, when it constantly happens, it gets annoying
and takes a toll on my ego.
im aware everybody knows more than me in different aspects,
or most aspects if you will,
but people, try to be more stuble when talking to those of lesser brain power.
i get good grades in school and have enough common sense to get me by.
but... thats not enough.
i love it when people tell me things i dont know,
its fun to know.
but, when it constantly happens, it gets annoying
and takes a toll on my ego.
im aware everybody knows more than me in different aspects,
or most aspects if you will,
but people, try to be more stuble when talking to those of lesser brain power.
want.
i hate being the kind of person who never knows.
the kind of person whos decisions are always uncertian.
for instance, i always want what i cant have.
always.
it kinda sucks.
because i know, i cant have something, but i try anyways.
sometimes *cough*usually*cough*, i get it.
when i get it though, i dont want it anymore.
i know logically, i either want, or dont want it.
but my stupid personality wont let me let things go.
i hold onto things until they slip away.
or rather, i push things away from me until theyre gone.
then, the challange is getting them back.
i supose its a game to me.
skill and technique are used to win.
the question is: tell me, is winning worth it?
no matter what position in what relationship im in,
i always manage to fuck it up in some way
because i want things to be better.
sometimes, 'better' involves moving on.
sometimes it involves leaving the situation.
but usually, it involves leaving things the way they are.
things can stay the way they are forever.
thats something you need to realize.
in some situations, moving forward dsnt need to be an option.
i push away those i care about.
the people i dont really need, they stay put.
if anything, shouldnt it be the other way around?
the kind of person whos decisions are always uncertian.
for instance, i always want what i cant have.
always.
it kinda sucks.
because i know, i cant have something, but i try anyways.
sometimes *cough*usually*cough*, i get it.
when i get it though, i dont want it anymore.
i know logically, i either want, or dont want it.
but my stupid personality wont let me let things go.
i hold onto things until they slip away.
or rather, i push things away from me until theyre gone.
then, the challange is getting them back.
i supose its a game to me.
skill and technique are used to win.
the question is: tell me, is winning worth it?
no matter what position in what relationship im in,
i always manage to fuck it up in some way
because i want things to be better.
sometimes, 'better' involves moving on.
sometimes it involves leaving the situation.
but usually, it involves leaving things the way they are.
things can stay the way they are forever.
thats something you need to realize.
in some situations, moving forward dsnt need to be an option.
i push away those i care about.
the people i dont really need, they stay put.
if anything, shouldnt it be the other way around?
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
tardiness.
i hate it when people are late.
srs. compensate for other people.
you should always be there within a period of 10 minutes.
like, if you have to be there at 5,
you should arrive anywhere from 455-505.
thats the acceptable time period.
when youre ten minutes or more late, thats just asking for trouble.
i remember when mary picked me up once.
she was an hour and a half late.
i sat there for the whole fucking time.
so pissed off.
with me guys, just, dont be late.
or late without notice at least.
srs. compensate for other people.
you should always be there within a period of 10 minutes.
like, if you have to be there at 5,
you should arrive anywhere from 455-505.
thats the acceptable time period.
when youre ten minutes or more late, thats just asking for trouble.
i remember when mary picked me up once.
she was an hour and a half late.
i sat there for the whole fucking time.
so pissed off.
with me guys, just, dont be late.
or late without notice at least.
legacy.
dancer, i beleive youre right.
about how we have no legacy, i mean.
its a scary thought.
our generation has accomplished nothing.
sure, we had the first black president-
but that was bound to happen at some point in time.
honestly? im tired about this social TREND
the one regarding abroginal rights and privlidges.
sure, you where on this land first, but we're here now
and we also respect your ways, but that dsnt mean you get special shit.
i sware, theres about seven books in my house
on how...silly all the laws regarding them are.
theyre quite interesting actually.
anyways, back to our legacy.
technology is progressings scarily quickly.
other generations will be known for that as well.
eventually, artifical life will be created,
and frankly, i dont want to be around when the world goes all irobot.
we're at the point where science fiction is reality.
anything is possible.
and that fact is terrifying.
think about it.
anything that you deemed impossible, will be able to happen someday.
well, 99% of the things youre thinking of.
obviously, we wont be able to put on musicals with different rock formations and cloud types.
...
or will we?
about how we have no legacy, i mean.
its a scary thought.
our generation has accomplished nothing.
sure, we had the first black president-
but that was bound to happen at some point in time.
honestly? im tired about this social TREND
the one regarding abroginal rights and privlidges.
sure, you where on this land first, but we're here now
and we also respect your ways, but that dsnt mean you get special shit.
i sware, theres about seven books in my house
on how...silly all the laws regarding them are.
theyre quite interesting actually.
anyways, back to our legacy.
technology is progressings scarily quickly.
other generations will be known for that as well.
eventually, artifical life will be created,
and frankly, i dont want to be around when the world goes all irobot.
we're at the point where science fiction is reality.
anything is possible.
and that fact is terrifying.
think about it.
anything that you deemed impossible, will be able to happen someday.
well, 99% of the things youre thinking of.
obviously, we wont be able to put on musicals with different rock formations and cloud types.
...
or will we?
Sunday, August 23, 2009
sand.
raychee and i went to grand beach today
with father and brock of course.
it was really nice...
besides the fact that i walked around in a blanket :/
rach seemed to have fun though, and thats what matters.
did i mention how i hate sand?
well, not sand in general.
just sand when it sticks to your body because you applied sunscreen.
alot.
and you know theres something wrong
when theres still sand on your body after you shower.
how does that even happen?
im probally just disabled in the shower aspect.
oh. ps, im now addicted to the song on my blog by wham.
its so catchy and fun.
mother keeps laughing at me for loving it, because its an old song.
you know what mother?
ITS A GOOD SONG.
with father and brock of course.
it was really nice...
besides the fact that i walked around in a blanket :/
rach seemed to have fun though, and thats what matters.
did i mention how i hate sand?
well, not sand in general.
just sand when it sticks to your body because you applied sunscreen.
alot.
and you know theres something wrong
when theres still sand on your body after you shower.
how does that even happen?
im probally just disabled in the shower aspect.
oh. ps, im now addicted to the song on my blog by wham.
its so catchy and fun.
mother keeps laughing at me for loving it, because its an old song.
you know what mother?
ITS A GOOD SONG.
Friday, August 21, 2009
run it.
i went for a late run today,
with mother biking behind me.
ive been going on little random errands with my parents latley.
not for bonding, but to get out of the house.
i hate being locked inside the same area.
when they drive, i can go places just for the sake of going.
when mother and i got back from the SEU office, sport check, and source for sports,
i went for a run with her biking behind me.
it was about 20 minutes around lindenwoods, no stopping.
except once, for about sixty seconds.
then i sprinted like a crazy person.
it was nice.
to get out and run, i mean.
i never really got into it, but when i do go,
its awesome. you just...go.
you go wherever you want at whatever pace
and just push yourself farther and farther, until you cant go anymore.
but then, you keep going anyways.
thats the way i disipline myself.
plus, i love it.
with mother biking behind me.
ive been going on little random errands with my parents latley.
not for bonding, but to get out of the house.
i hate being locked inside the same area.
when they drive, i can go places just for the sake of going.
when mother and i got back from the SEU office, sport check, and source for sports,
i went for a run with her biking behind me.
it was about 20 minutes around lindenwoods, no stopping.
except once, for about sixty seconds.
then i sprinted like a crazy person.
it was nice.
to get out and run, i mean.
i never really got into it, but when i do go,
its awesome. you just...go.
you go wherever you want at whatever pace
and just push yourself farther and farther, until you cant go anymore.
but then, you keep going anyways.
thats the way i disipline myself.
plus, i love it.
uzo.
i finished basketball camp today.
christ, the hardest three days of sport ive ever done.
i wish i had been there for the whole week though.
it was an awesome experience playing with a university player,
and having a british and german coach flown out to teach the 12 of us for the day.
they had awesome accents-
not to mention an amazing grasp on the game
which helped me realize: theres just so much density to it.
you may be shown only a few aspects of basketball,
but with time and experience, you are shown so many different perspectives.
i did drills ive never seen before.
i ran like there was no tommorow.
i learned skills ive only seen in the NBA.
most of all, i realized the girls i play with want to be like uzo.
they want to play university basketball
and experience sport to the highest level possible.
me? im not like that.
im there for the sake of sweating my ass off- and loving every second.
maybe my love for the game will turn into something more. who knows?
we talked about university basketball, and what it takes.
i dont think i could manage school, basketball/work out every day (at least)
and possibly a job as well.
that takes time managment, which i really dont have.
i think being a student, and taking it slow, to love it is what matters.
maybe then, ill take up some sport i can play recrecationally forever.
ive always wanted to do squash...or yoga...or kickboxing...
i have plenty of time to decide.
after all, two years can be passed as quickly or as slowly as i like.
christ, the hardest three days of sport ive ever done.
i wish i had been there for the whole week though.
it was an awesome experience playing with a university player,
and having a british and german coach flown out to teach the 12 of us for the day.
they had awesome accents-
not to mention an amazing grasp on the game
which helped me realize: theres just so much density to it.
you may be shown only a few aspects of basketball,
but with time and experience, you are shown so many different perspectives.
i did drills ive never seen before.
i ran like there was no tommorow.
i learned skills ive only seen in the NBA.
most of all, i realized the girls i play with want to be like uzo.
they want to play university basketball
and experience sport to the highest level possible.
me? im not like that.
im there for the sake of sweating my ass off- and loving every second.
maybe my love for the game will turn into something more. who knows?
we talked about university basketball, and what it takes.
i dont think i could manage school, basketball/work out every day (at least)
and possibly a job as well.
that takes time managment, which i really dont have.
i think being a student, and taking it slow, to love it is what matters.
maybe then, ill take up some sport i can play recrecationally forever.
ive always wanted to do squash...or yoga...or kickboxing...
i have plenty of time to decide.
after all, two years can be passed as quickly or as slowly as i like.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
random compliments.
so, ya know how i stay to friends or strangers stuff like,
'HEY. YOU HAVE BEAUTIFUL EYES'.
well, i love doing that.
it boosts peoples self esteem, and it makes me happy.
today at the terrace, we were closing down,
and this woman pulls me over.
she says to me 'i like the way you walk'
i was like, sorry pardon?
she was like, 'the way to walk. you have amazing poise.
all the other people here, cant walk like you do.
its like you just glide across the floor.
did you ever take lessons? carrying a book on your head and such?'
oh god i was so flattered.
thats why i love it there.
the people.
they just say things to you if youll let them.
one woman the other day commented on how nice my shoes were
and how they fit my personality.
another told me i had nice eyes.
and now, this.
its just always so nice to be told positive things about yourself;
especially if theyre things nobody usually notices.
thats one of my goals for the school year:
to boost other peoples self esteem.
its ganna be tricky, but i think itll work out.
'HEY. YOU HAVE BEAUTIFUL EYES'.
well, i love doing that.
it boosts peoples self esteem, and it makes me happy.
today at the terrace, we were closing down,
and this woman pulls me over.
she says to me 'i like the way you walk'
i was like, sorry pardon?
she was like, 'the way to walk. you have amazing poise.
all the other people here, cant walk like you do.
its like you just glide across the floor.
did you ever take lessons? carrying a book on your head and such?'
oh god i was so flattered.
thats why i love it there.
the people.
they just say things to you if youll let them.
one woman the other day commented on how nice my shoes were
and how they fit my personality.
another told me i had nice eyes.
and now, this.
its just always so nice to be told positive things about yourself;
especially if theyre things nobody usually notices.
thats one of my goals for the school year:
to boost other peoples self esteem.
its ganna be tricky, but i think itll work out.
Monday, August 17, 2009
outside the box.
i was right.
you cant stay mad.
and i have a feeling, that we'll go back to the way we were.
or, at least something very close to it.
the only thing i constantly have on my mind now is,
how can i face your family?
they all know what i did.
they all judged me accordingly.
you can forgive me, but what about them?
theyll be less tolerable. less forgiving.
i dont know if i can handle that.
you cant stay mad.
and i have a feeling, that we'll go back to the way we were.
or, at least something very close to it.
the only thing i constantly have on my mind now is,
how can i face your family?
they all know what i did.
they all judged me accordingly.
you can forgive me, but what about them?
theyll be less tolerable. less forgiving.
i dont know if i can handle that.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
trouble.
im beginning to think youre more trouble than youre worth.
am i right?
when im around you, we're best friends.
when we're apart, we're still best friends.
you said before, its just a matter of time before things change.
until we become 'an item'.
you know what?
we need to stop rushing it.
i like being your friend.
i can deal with the occasional sexual tension.
incident after incident keeps happening.
tell me, is it worth it?
the pain? the anger? the tears?
im beginning to doubt it is.
am i right?
when im around you, we're best friends.
when we're apart, we're still best friends.
you said before, its just a matter of time before things change.
until we become 'an item'.
you know what?
we need to stop rushing it.
i like being your friend.
i can deal with the occasional sexual tension.
incident after incident keeps happening.
tell me, is it worth it?
the pain? the anger? the tears?
im beginning to doubt it is.
simplistic.
have you ever had a day,
where things are great one second, and the next theyre tumbling down around you?
like somebody pushed the self destruct button by mistake.
my finger slipped, and hit that button.
lifes problems, no matter how complex, can always be boiled down to a simple sentence.
this time, the sentence is the same as it has been for months:
im an idiot.
a stupid selfcentred moron with no selfcontrol who lives to please others.
i cant please everybody.
and in a weak attempt to try and please the two people who matter most in my life right now, i burst into flames.
yeah. i did over drink.
but that was only to numb the pain thats built up emotionally.
yeah. i did go back to him.
but only because...well, because i didnt see anything wrong with it.
i cant lose you.
i know i fucked up HARD, but im for real this time.
i understand if you cant give me another chance. you have no trust.
but...i cant imagine life without you.
when i was sitting in my basement alone, under a heap of blankets;
i didnt care that my lips tasted like vodka or tears streamed my face.
the only thing i cared about, was that i had hurt you
and there was nothing i could do to make your pain stop.
at 330 am, i managed to get to sleep.
when i awoke, the pain i felt for you, transitioned onto me.
and so, ive been in the basement.
watching texas hold 'em for the past four hours.
at the start of the game, a player had the same name as you.
i wanted him to win.
and you know what? he got to the finals with a 13% chance of winning on the river.
and he won.
he defeated all the odds, and got what he wanted.
i want to know what you want.
do you want me to leave you alone? to try and patch this whole mess up?
to completly ignore you and delete all trace?
or, is there even the slightest chance, that you can forgive me for making another mistake?
i cant hold my liquor very well- but thats no excuse.
i shouldntve been talking to him. sneeking around.
from here on out, just tell me what you want, and ill make it happen.
its all about you. make your move.
where things are great one second, and the next theyre tumbling down around you?
like somebody pushed the self destruct button by mistake.
my finger slipped, and hit that button.
lifes problems, no matter how complex, can always be boiled down to a simple sentence.
this time, the sentence is the same as it has been for months:
im an idiot.
a stupid selfcentred moron with no selfcontrol who lives to please others.
i cant please everybody.
and in a weak attempt to try and please the two people who matter most in my life right now, i burst into flames.
yeah. i did over drink.
but that was only to numb the pain thats built up emotionally.
yeah. i did go back to him.
but only because...well, because i didnt see anything wrong with it.
i cant lose you.
i know i fucked up HARD, but im for real this time.
i understand if you cant give me another chance. you have no trust.
but...i cant imagine life without you.
when i was sitting in my basement alone, under a heap of blankets;
i didnt care that my lips tasted like vodka or tears streamed my face.
the only thing i cared about, was that i had hurt you
and there was nothing i could do to make your pain stop.
at 330 am, i managed to get to sleep.
when i awoke, the pain i felt for you, transitioned onto me.
and so, ive been in the basement.
watching texas hold 'em for the past four hours.
at the start of the game, a player had the same name as you.
i wanted him to win.
and you know what? he got to the finals with a 13% chance of winning on the river.
and he won.
he defeated all the odds, and got what he wanted.
i want to know what you want.
do you want me to leave you alone? to try and patch this whole mess up?
to completly ignore you and delete all trace?
or, is there even the slightest chance, that you can forgive me for making another mistake?
i cant hold my liquor very well- but thats no excuse.
i shouldntve been talking to him. sneeking around.
from here on out, just tell me what you want, and ill make it happen.
its all about you. make your move.
Friday, August 14, 2009
back.
back from camp and the states babes.
camp stephens was amazing.
two weeks of no showers, sleeping on rocks and constant rain is always great.
thank god i smell like flowers now instead of rotting vegtables :/
but, what happens at camp, stays at camp, so i cant discuss any further.
bemidji and valleyfair were great too.
bemidji is just my get away for the breaks.
we're going again in september.
oh god. they hire college boys to work at the boat house.
theyre so hot. especially how they do all their work shirtless. yummy.
the extra 4 hour drive to valleyfair was nice.
i browsed radio stations all the way there, which pissed everyone off royally.
carl, andrew, robert and i had a blast.
we rode the rides. spotted random hotties. chased animals. and played xbox.
i have now discovered that frozen custard is my bitch lover.
anyways, i went to the italian folkorama the other day.
it was a blast. well, its not like i actually saw the folkoarama stuff.
i stayed in the parking lot the whole time, which was probally the better choice.
thank you alana, for sneeking me drinks from the volunteer section ;p
argh. i wish i had forgin cousins who couldnt speak english.
they seem like so much fun.
camp stephens was amazing.
two weeks of no showers, sleeping on rocks and constant rain is always great.
thank god i smell like flowers now instead of rotting vegtables :/
but, what happens at camp, stays at camp, so i cant discuss any further.
bemidji and valleyfair were great too.
bemidji is just my get away for the breaks.
we're going again in september.
oh god. they hire college boys to work at the boat house.
theyre so hot. especially how they do all their work shirtless. yummy.
the extra 4 hour drive to valleyfair was nice.
i browsed radio stations all the way there, which pissed everyone off royally.
carl, andrew, robert and i had a blast.
we rode the rides. spotted random hotties. chased animals. and played xbox.
i have now discovered that frozen custard is my bitch lover.
anyways, i went to the italian folkorama the other day.
it was a blast. well, its not like i actually saw the folkoarama stuff.
i stayed in the parking lot the whole time, which was probally the better choice.
thank you alana, for sneeking me drinks from the volunteer section ;p
argh. i wish i had forgin cousins who couldnt speak english.
they seem like so much fun.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
temp.
So, I'm in bemidji on Andrews iPod.
Got back from camp stephens not too long ago
And it was pure sexy times man.
Now I'm chillaxing in the USA with the fam jam
Then, valleyfair.
Stay tuned for more detail when I get back babes.
Got back from camp stephens not too long ago
And it was pure sexy times man.
Now I'm chillaxing in the USA with the fam jam
Then, valleyfair.
Stay tuned for more detail when I get back babes.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
the pressures of peers.
so today was one of those days.
where the phone that wont stop rinning drags you out of bed
and the caller truns out to be father
who's asking if anyone called him.
then you go back to bed- but cant sleep,
so you end up lying there for a good hour just, thinking.
what came on my mind, was peer pressure of some reason.
i thought about my ex.
and how everybody told me to dump him and get with someone else.
eventually, i came to beleive what everyone was saying,
was obviously the right thing for me to do.
so, after blood, sweat, and tears, we finally broke up.
then i tried to get with the other guy.
and you know what? it didnt work.
i still wanted my ex, and was unsure about a relationship with someone else.
i was pressured to give up my happiness because my friends were telling me about how much happier and more 'right' it would be.
yes, the break up was the best thing to do- they were right about that
but, pressure extended to the second half of the scanario.
like, i wanted to do it, its just, i was unsure. very unsure.
and they tipped me over the edge.
and nothing came of that, except exceptional amounts of hurt and talks of feelings :/
peer pressure has its rights, and its wrongs.
its always okay to listen to your peers if theyre concerned about you,
but dont take on their ideas of beleifs that are thrust upon you
unless you REALLY beleive them.
where the phone that wont stop rinning drags you out of bed
and the caller truns out to be father
who's asking if anyone called him.
then you go back to bed- but cant sleep,
so you end up lying there for a good hour just, thinking.
what came on my mind, was peer pressure of some reason.
i thought about my ex.
and how everybody told me to dump him and get with someone else.
eventually, i came to beleive what everyone was saying,
was obviously the right thing for me to do.
so, after blood, sweat, and tears, we finally broke up.
then i tried to get with the other guy.
and you know what? it didnt work.
i still wanted my ex, and was unsure about a relationship with someone else.
i was pressured to give up my happiness because my friends were telling me about how much happier and more 'right' it would be.
yes, the break up was the best thing to do- they were right about that
but, pressure extended to the second half of the scanario.
like, i wanted to do it, its just, i was unsure. very unsure.
and they tipped me over the edge.
and nothing came of that, except exceptional amounts of hurt and talks of feelings :/
peer pressure has its rights, and its wrongs.
its always okay to listen to your peers if theyre concerned about you,
but dont take on their ideas of beleifs that are thrust upon you
unless you REALLY beleive them.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
stupid ideas.
i decided it would be fun to pull an all nighter
for absolutly no reason.
father thought i was the biggest loser ever
because i was doing it alone and apperantly, thats lame.
mother was really concerned and bitchy.
she was all, why the sudden urge to do this? whats going on?
argh. mother, not everything needs a reason.
so i stayed up till 7AM
(for those who care, thats about 22 hours)
i woke up at 11AM then feel asleep until 2PM.
i dont feel as shitty as i thought i would.
but, then again,
i have to finish packing for camp today, visit the grandparents
then tommorow, clean the house and hang out and kick it with claire for the next 2 weeks.
meh. ill do fine.
for absolutly no reason.
father thought i was the biggest loser ever
because i was doing it alone and apperantly, thats lame.
mother was really concerned and bitchy.
she was all, why the sudden urge to do this? whats going on?
argh. mother, not everything needs a reason.
so i stayed up till 7AM
(for those who care, thats about 22 hours)
i woke up at 11AM then feel asleep until 2PM.
i dont feel as shitty as i thought i would.
but, then again,
i have to finish packing for camp today, visit the grandparents
then tommorow, clean the house and hang out and kick it with claire for the next 2 weeks.
meh. ill do fine.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
behind the mask.
breakdowns.
ive had about four this week.
i tried talking about it to a friend.
all i got was lack of sympathy and terrible advice shot at me.
i thought i could go to her,
hell she comes to me with problems all the time.
i just...thought i had someone i could go to when nothing is right.
apperantly not.
nothing is going right and its just one slap in the face after another.
i cant beleive im going through this.
of all people, of all families, why the hell is it mine?
well, i guess its back to what ive been doing all this time:
put on a happy face, and hope nobody bothers to ask.
who am i kidding? nobody ever bothers to ask.
ive had about four this week.
i tried talking about it to a friend.
all i got was lack of sympathy and terrible advice shot at me.
i thought i could go to her,
hell she comes to me with problems all the time.
i just...thought i had someone i could go to when nothing is right.
apperantly not.
nothing is going right and its just one slap in the face after another.
i cant beleive im going through this.
of all people, of all families, why the hell is it mine?
well, i guess its back to what ive been doing all this time:
put on a happy face, and hope nobody bothers to ask.
who am i kidding? nobody ever bothers to ask.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
generation gap.
i volunteered over at lindenwood terrace again.
ane the hi-light was probally talking to this old guy.
you see, theres these two old guys
who sit over in the back corner and sit drinks and stare at people.
and thats totally okay.
one of the old guys left, so i went to talk to the one left.
we talked about school:
how im young and i have a year or two to decide on what i want to do.
we talked about vacations:
how he and his wife (rest in peace) used to vacation down to pheniox
and theyd golf and swim and whatnot.
he still has friends that ask when theyll be back.
we talked about sports:
how we played golf for 50 years, but cant anymore
because hed rather be able to walk than golf due to a bad back
we talked about love and death:
his wife is dead, and he now lives alone.
he says its hard, and i dont blame him.
they were together for such a long time, now he lives alone.
he dsnt have very many friends.
and to him, the reality of dieing alone is possible.
imagine.
all your friends, family, and your true love are all gone.
you cant go out and do what you love.
oh, he said to me that he may try going to pheniox this winter
because he didnt this year.
sadly, i doubt it.
but, the thing is,
he talked about all of this in a very contented and accepting way.
that suprised me.
he was able to just go along with life,
even though, to me, he had nothing else to live for.
appernatly golf turns into walks, and his wife transitions into the other lonley men at the terrace to hang out with.
it was an eye opening visit.
ane the hi-light was probally talking to this old guy.
you see, theres these two old guys
who sit over in the back corner and sit drinks and stare at people.
and thats totally okay.
one of the old guys left, so i went to talk to the one left.
we talked about school:
how im young and i have a year or two to decide on what i want to do.
we talked about vacations:
how he and his wife (rest in peace) used to vacation down to pheniox
and theyd golf and swim and whatnot.
he still has friends that ask when theyll be back.
we talked about sports:
how we played golf for 50 years, but cant anymore
because hed rather be able to walk than golf due to a bad back
we talked about love and death:
his wife is dead, and he now lives alone.
he says its hard, and i dont blame him.
they were together for such a long time, now he lives alone.
he dsnt have very many friends.
and to him, the reality of dieing alone is possible.
imagine.
all your friends, family, and your true love are all gone.
you cant go out and do what you love.
oh, he said to me that he may try going to pheniox this winter
because he didnt this year.
sadly, i doubt it.
but, the thing is,
he talked about all of this in a very contented and accepting way.
that suprised me.
he was able to just go along with life,
even though, to me, he had nothing else to live for.
appernatly golf turns into walks, and his wife transitions into the other lonley men at the terrace to hang out with.
it was an eye opening visit.
Monday, July 13, 2009
response.
this is a response to raindancers post,
im not sure if you even read this, but whateves:
love is a sensation.
its when that person comes to mind and you dont even notice.
when every love song reminds you of them.
when you touch, its not a 'spark', but comfort to know theyre there.
love is a fact.
when conversation flows easily, about anything, and you beleive it always does.
when you take time out of a busy day to see them, because you want to.
its when you can see a future with them, and youre happy to do so.
love is an instinct.
its when the answer to everything comes from the heart- even though you may not have any idea why you said it.
when theyre always on your mind, but not overwhelmingly so.
when you seize the day, and see them at every oppertunity possible.
love is indescribable.
when you talk for hours about nothing, but have the best time.
when youre bawling your eyes out, but he manages to make things better.
its when you see the light in the darkness.
love is selfless.
its when you want the best for them, no matter what it means to you.
when you tell whoever wants to know- but of course, the details are yours only, not everybody wants to hear about it.
when you will do whatever it takes to make them happy.
love is... friendship, to the next level.
im not sure if you even read this, but whateves:
love is a sensation.
its when that person comes to mind and you dont even notice.
when every love song reminds you of them.
when you touch, its not a 'spark', but comfort to know theyre there.
love is a fact.
when conversation flows easily, about anything, and you beleive it always does.
when you take time out of a busy day to see them, because you want to.
its when you can see a future with them, and youre happy to do so.
love is an instinct.
its when the answer to everything comes from the heart- even though you may not have any idea why you said it.
when theyre always on your mind, but not overwhelmingly so.
when you seize the day, and see them at every oppertunity possible.
love is indescribable.
when you talk for hours about nothing, but have the best time.
when youre bawling your eyes out, but he manages to make things better.
its when you see the light in the darkness.
love is selfless.
its when you want the best for them, no matter what it means to you.
when you tell whoever wants to know- but of course, the details are yours only, not everybody wants to hear about it.
when you will do whatever it takes to make them happy.
love is... friendship, to the next level.
Friday, July 10, 2009
park theatre.
omg. park theatre with rachel.
shemxy times.
we saw colins band play. warplane.
SEXY. i was so fucking excited.
i took pictures and some video (as seen on fb)
and...it was just plain epic.
before them, was some weird band.
and im still compemplating what the fuck she was wearing.
like, spandex and pleather? wow.
and that bear with the KINKY NOTE.
lmfao.
all in all, fantastic.
shemxy times.
we saw colins band play. warplane.
SEXY. i was so fucking excited.
i took pictures and some video (as seen on fb)
and...it was just plain epic.
before them, was some weird band.
and im still compemplating what the fuck she was wearing.
like, spandex and pleather? wow.
and that bear with the KINKY NOTE.
lmfao.
all in all, fantastic.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
running.
argh. so my brother and i went for a run this morning.
i wore my new sports bra and i was all excited
and my lululemon shirt thing. it was hawt with my man shorts.
LOL. thats such a chick thing to do.
dress all nice to go running with your brother?
at least i didnt put makeup or anything on...
anyways, we ran around the block.
and before we left, he gave me his $200 unworn basketball shoes
they dont fit him anymore.
silly boy and his puberty.
but foseriously, theyre such nice shoes
and i was going to go out and get new ones anyways.
thanks hun.
so, we went on our run around the block.
we ran 3/4 of the way, then we srpinted for the last quarter.
jeeze im so out of shape.
but at least i beat him in the sprints at the end
and i kept pace with him for the rest of the time.
thank god.
if i can keep up with my brother who has intense basbetball every week,
then my cardio cant possibly be that low.
i wore my new sports bra and i was all excited
and my lululemon shirt thing. it was hawt with my man shorts.
LOL. thats such a chick thing to do.
dress all nice to go running with your brother?
at least i didnt put makeup or anything on...
anyways, we ran around the block.
and before we left, he gave me his $200 unworn basketball shoes
they dont fit him anymore.
silly boy and his puberty.
but foseriously, theyre such nice shoes
and i was going to go out and get new ones anyways.
thanks hun.
so, we went on our run around the block.
we ran 3/4 of the way, then we srpinted for the last quarter.
jeeze im so out of shape.
but at least i beat him in the sprints at the end
and i kept pace with him for the rest of the time.
thank god.
if i can keep up with my brother who has intense basbetball every week,
then my cardio cant possibly be that low.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
coffee and the elderly.
i volunteered at lindenwood terrace today for the first time.
woke up at 830. showered.
pulled my hair back. threw on black dress pants.
tore apart my room for my sma polo shirt
and threw on my black hightops-my only closed toe black shoes.
i walked over there for my first shift.
i was greeted by a creepy little asian man.
he showed me my name tag.
so cool. its like...a mini magnetic plaque i can wear.
i love name tags.
he then left me with the kitchen staff, who were so nice.
i filled up water jugs and placed them on the table first.
then i was taught how to serve various drinks.
i did that as well as clear tables for two hours.
the servers were fantastic.
they answered all questions i had no problem, even if they were busy.
one of the servers thinks im adorable because im so ignorant ;p
anyways, there were these two old ladies i admired.
they sat slightly off centre of the room
and they arrived not too early, but they still beat the lunch rush.
they sat there for the whole time, eating and whatnot
then they just sipped their coffee for an hour or so.
so cute, they were like , best friends.
there were also these ladies i was giving tea to
and they told me that they were twins.
they were awesome.
the fact that theyve stayed together for so long and in the same place?
well i guess family is everything to some people.
it was a fantastic experience.
im volunteering at an event tommorow at ass park-
which is ganna be off the hook.
i get to wear a name tag, chill at the park, and escort old people
all after being on a bus.
could that day be any better? im excited for it.
oh, and i was talking to one of the ladies there
and she said i should stick around all year, because the sphs guys tend to come in for their volunteer hours.
met me for a few hours and already knew what i liked.
woke up at 830. showered.
pulled my hair back. threw on black dress pants.
tore apart my room for my sma polo shirt
and threw on my black hightops-my only closed toe black shoes.
i walked over there for my first shift.
i was greeted by a creepy little asian man.
he showed me my name tag.
so cool. its like...a mini magnetic plaque i can wear.
i love name tags.
he then left me with the kitchen staff, who were so nice.
i filled up water jugs and placed them on the table first.
then i was taught how to serve various drinks.
i did that as well as clear tables for two hours.
the servers were fantastic.
they answered all questions i had no problem, even if they were busy.
one of the servers thinks im adorable because im so ignorant ;p
anyways, there were these two old ladies i admired.
they sat slightly off centre of the room
and they arrived not too early, but they still beat the lunch rush.
they sat there for the whole time, eating and whatnot
then they just sipped their coffee for an hour or so.
so cute, they were like , best friends.
there were also these ladies i was giving tea to
and they told me that they were twins.
they were awesome.
the fact that theyve stayed together for so long and in the same place?
well i guess family is everything to some people.
it was a fantastic experience.
im volunteering at an event tommorow at ass park-
which is ganna be off the hook.
i get to wear a name tag, chill at the park, and escort old people
all after being on a bus.
could that day be any better? im excited for it.
oh, and i was talking to one of the ladies there
and she said i should stick around all year, because the sphs guys tend to come in for their volunteer hours.
met me for a few hours and already knew what i liked.
Monday, July 6, 2009
kickin' it.
omg ashlea took me out to dinner tonight
and it was super epic.
we went out to mongos and ive never been there before.
i had no idea that it was an awesome stir fry place.
im so going back next week.
i had a vegertian stir fry deal,
mostly because i dont really do meat, but love it anyways.
its build your own, and its amazing.
AMAZINGGG.
i got cheesecake after.
apple caramel cheesecake.
orgasm. cheesecake is fucking god.
the bill was $20.69
expensive, but so delecious and so worth it.
mongos. my new lover.
i am so taking colin there for his birthday
and forcing cheesecake down his throat.
DONT CHOKE BITCH.
and it was super epic.
we went out to mongos and ive never been there before.
i had no idea that it was an awesome stir fry place.
im so going back next week.
i had a vegertian stir fry deal,
mostly because i dont really do meat, but love it anyways.
its build your own, and its amazing.
AMAZINGGG.
i got cheesecake after.
apple caramel cheesecake.
orgasm. cheesecake is fucking god.
the bill was $20.69
expensive, but so delecious and so worth it.
mongos. my new lover.
i am so taking colin there for his birthday
and forcing cheesecake down his throat.
DONT CHOKE BITCH.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
fam jam.
i love my family.
well, hell, dsnt everybody love their family?
my parents are fantastic.
they drive me places whenever they can- for friends, school and sports
and they also allow me to have little parties with friends.
also. they let me have boys over
and theyre super cool about it.
like, they check on us once, then leave us alone for hours.
its amazing. i mean, amazing how cool they are about everything.
then, theres my brothers.
andrew is cool. most of the time...i guess.
he puts on a nice face for company, and when hes in a good mood
then its fine. everybody gets along when hes in a good mood.
the whole family revolves around him.
and when i have friends over,
he sometimes hangs out with us.
when i ask to be left alone, hes usually really good about it
and leaves and offers to take brock too.
brock on the other hand...
i try to schedule my friends coming over when hes not home.
jesus. when he has friends over, he leaves me alone.
or...stalks me.
but when he has nothing to do and i have somebody over?
he WILL NOT leave us alone.
especially when i have male friends over.
he pratically idolizes them and tries to impress them all.
seriously, today he was with us the whole fucking time.
from watching halloween in the basement,
to the pool (just watching us :/ for an hour),
to pratically wanting to come on a walk with us and popcorn,
to DDR,
to watching the latest buzz.
the only reason he left was because father forced him after asking for the 7th time.
he such an annoying kid.
like, he DOES have friends.
his best friend freaking lives next door.
hang with his older sister and her male friend, or hang with his friend next door?
apperantly the one that involves me and ignoring him is more fun. :/
well, hell, dsnt everybody love their family?
my parents are fantastic.
they drive me places whenever they can- for friends, school and sports
and they also allow me to have little parties with friends.
also. they let me have boys over
and theyre super cool about it.
like, they check on us once, then leave us alone for hours.
its amazing. i mean, amazing how cool they are about everything.
then, theres my brothers.
andrew is cool. most of the time...i guess.
he puts on a nice face for company, and when hes in a good mood
then its fine. everybody gets along when hes in a good mood.
the whole family revolves around him.
and when i have friends over,
he sometimes hangs out with us.
when i ask to be left alone, hes usually really good about it
and leaves and offers to take brock too.
brock on the other hand...
i try to schedule my friends coming over when hes not home.
jesus. when he has friends over, he leaves me alone.
or...stalks me.
but when he has nothing to do and i have somebody over?
he WILL NOT leave us alone.
especially when i have male friends over.
he pratically idolizes them and tries to impress them all.
seriously, today he was with us the whole fucking time.
from watching halloween in the basement,
to the pool (just watching us :/ for an hour),
to pratically wanting to come on a walk with us and popcorn,
to DDR,
to watching the latest buzz.
the only reason he left was because father forced him after asking for the 7th time.
he such an annoying kid.
like, he DOES have friends.
his best friend freaking lives next door.
hang with his older sister and her male friend, or hang with his friend next door?
apperantly the one that involves me and ignoring him is more fun. :/
Friday, July 3, 2009
sneeking around.
i cant help but feeling sort of, kinda, maybe, a tad guilty.
of course, the guilt is an after thought,
but, its still there.
of course, the guilt is an after thought,
but, its still there.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
barefoot.
i woke up.
showered.
did my hair.
ate some apple cinnamon cheerios.
threw on the most random clothes:
winnipeg jets sweats and a lime gren fugly shirt.
hung out.
watched some south park.
took a barefoot walk in the fugly clothes.
all before 2pm on a thursday.
im entitled to days like this.
days where i dont give a fuck.
and days like this, are what i live for.
showered.
did my hair.
ate some apple cinnamon cheerios.
threw on the most random clothes:
winnipeg jets sweats and a lime gren fugly shirt.
hung out.
watched some south park.
took a barefoot walk in the fugly clothes.
all before 2pm on a thursday.
im entitled to days like this.
days where i dont give a fuck.
and days like this, are what i live for.
letters from the soul.
latley, ive started writing a diary again.
sounds kind of childish, but whatever
i enjoy spilling my thoughts about the day and recapping.
it makes me realize just how much happens over the span of a day
and i express views i wouldnt have thought of in the first place.
but, what came of this, is writing letters-
well, not so much letters as they are..
an extensive rant of different points of a major topic.
the thing is, its done and over with.
whats done is done, and the healing process is in session.
so, why do i feel like the worst is over, but the situation is just beginning?
you know in religion class, when martino made us make a comic strip
and it had all the little points of the bible?
i did the same thing with my scanario.
i broke it down into 7 points.
this made me realize, that this whole situation is not complex in the least.
its just, being IN the situation makes in complex.
sometimes, we need to step out of out little box and view the world in a simpler way.
that seems to make all the difference.
sounds kind of childish, but whatever
i enjoy spilling my thoughts about the day and recapping.
it makes me realize just how much happens over the span of a day
and i express views i wouldnt have thought of in the first place.
but, what came of this, is writing letters-
well, not so much letters as they are..
an extensive rant of different points of a major topic.
the thing is, its done and over with.
whats done is done, and the healing process is in session.
so, why do i feel like the worst is over, but the situation is just beginning?
you know in religion class, when martino made us make a comic strip
and it had all the little points of the bible?
i did the same thing with my scanario.
i broke it down into 7 points.
this made me realize, that this whole situation is not complex in the least.
its just, being IN the situation makes in complex.
sometimes, we need to step out of out little box and view the world in a simpler way.
that seems to make all the difference.
Monday, June 29, 2009
decisions.
the decisions we make shape our charcter.
if theyre bad or good, all in all, it ends up the same.
i never take back things i say
or anything that i do, for that matter,
because i beleive everything is done for a reason.
but, im beginning to doubt myself.
love is a strange thing.
ive only loved one guy before- back in the fifth grade.
i didnt realize it until it was too late.
but i was young. its not like i couldve done anything.
i still love him. but, not like i used to.
now, im afraid im in love.
im to scared to do anything because
a. i dont want to ruin a friendship- because im not even sure if i feel anything romantically and
b. i mayve hurt him too bad for him to ever fully forgive or trust me.
i know this is an old topic.
but the thing is, i cant stop thinking about it.
its a stupid love triangle thats still on going.
i love him. like, seriously, i do.
its just that, i dont see us doing anything serious at this age.
being the creeper i am, i can see us being cute little old people together
and getting married and whatnot,
but just not teen dating.
whats wrong with me?
should i just look past that and try even harder, or go with what i feel?
i dont what him to pass me by...
if theyre bad or good, all in all, it ends up the same.
i never take back things i say
or anything that i do, for that matter,
because i beleive everything is done for a reason.
but, im beginning to doubt myself.
love is a strange thing.
ive only loved one guy before- back in the fifth grade.
i didnt realize it until it was too late.
but i was young. its not like i couldve done anything.
i still love him. but, not like i used to.
now, im afraid im in love.
im to scared to do anything because
a. i dont want to ruin a friendship- because im not even sure if i feel anything romantically and
b. i mayve hurt him too bad for him to ever fully forgive or trust me.
i know this is an old topic.
but the thing is, i cant stop thinking about it.
its a stupid love triangle thats still on going.
i love him. like, seriously, i do.
its just that, i dont see us doing anything serious at this age.
being the creeper i am, i can see us being cute little old people together
and getting married and whatnot,
but just not teen dating.
whats wrong with me?
should i just look past that and try even harder, or go with what i feel?
i dont what him to pass me by...
business.
i understand why people gossip.
i do it. i love gossip.
the thing is, i gossip about myself.
i try not to do so about others, though i usually do.
so just shut up.
stop talking shit about me.
whats done is done, let it go.
its my business, not yours.
you shoudnt be on anyones 'side'.
there are no sides.
we're all on the same team.
you dont know the whole story.
only i do. hear that? only ME.
not the stupid street rumors or snippits of info you hear.
so fuck, just shut up and stop talking about me and them.
its none of your god damn business.
i do it. i love gossip.
the thing is, i gossip about myself.
i try not to do so about others, though i usually do.
so just shut up.
stop talking shit about me.
whats done is done, let it go.
its my business, not yours.
you shoudnt be on anyones 'side'.
there are no sides.
we're all on the same team.
you dont know the whole story.
only i do. hear that? only ME.
not the stupid street rumors or snippits of info you hear.
so fuck, just shut up and stop talking about me and them.
its none of your god damn business.
ROTR.
lol. this is a lil' over due. but whatevs.
anyways, rock on the range was sexy.
it was raining, so i showed up in an oversized raincoat and boots.
sexy times.
rayche was looking all hawt though.
so the minute we showed, we run into laura and sabrina.
so we watched some bands from afar.
then they ditched us or something. so we watched more bands.
we got fries and it was so delecious.
the rain didnt bother us at all, though it was uber cold.
ive never seen such intense moshing before.
like holy fuck.
there was this hot guy who has a bloody mouth because of it.
and he was like, HELL YEAH BITCHES.
wow, love it.
so the 'hilight would probally be seeing rise against.
gawd the people there were so hyped up to see them.
we ended up standing around waiting for them to come on with some sphs guys
aka jeremy and will- or whatever the fk his name is.
then this drunk guy came over and talked to rachel and me.
he was so hilarious. people like that make my day.
anyways, the band comes on, and people start moshing.
so rachel and i are like, whatever this is fun.
then people become more aggressive and we're fighting to say up
and im fucking grabbing drunk men in an effort not to fall down and die.
so at one point, it got too intense and people fell.
sorry raindancer, i fell ontop of your mancandy.
but everyone is like, GET THEM UP (us and like, four other people)
because we can get fucking trampled to death and die.
foserious.
so we get up and mosh again.
then in a period of ten minutes: some asses crowd surf over me and knock over about seven people, i begin to over heat, and i befriend the guy beside me.
oh, and the woman beside me tells me frantically she needs to get out.
i was like, alright, she;ll get herself out.
two minutes later, she turns to me again, and says sleepily, i need to get out.
so im kinda concerned, so i watch her and hold her arm.
...
she fucking faints in my arms.
THE WOMAN FUCKING FAINTS IN MY ARMS.
so, its hard enough standing up while moshing and not falling
try having 150 pounds of dead weight sliding to the floor.
fuck.
i puched all the people around me.
all of them were too fucking drunk to do anything.
so i finally found a guy who was sober, and shoved her into his arms.
i was going to fucking faint, so i grabed rachel and we fucking got out of there.
people are packed so fucking tight.
its like trying to break through a wall.
i was screaming, OUT OUT OUT!
and nobody was moving, so i pushed through.
finally one guy got the message and realized i was going to faint
and moved his ass out of there.
it took five minutes at least to get out of there.
we were still sprinting when we reached the outskirts
where people were just standing not so close together.
pushing through crowds with heavy breath, got some weird looks.
to quote rachel, i looked like i got raped.
jesus.
i ran over to security, clutching my rainjacket to my slightly unzipped sweater because the fucking mosh pit pulled down my strapless bra and tube top,
and screamed into their ear that a woman fucking fainted.
they ran off to look, and i ran off to the bathroom to rant.
i screamed at rachel about it for a good twenty minutes.
tramuatized. i am.
i almost fucking died.
90% of people were too drunk to do anything.
that woman...i dont even know. im so afraid for what mayve happened to her.
god.
...
anyways, after that, i decided to text zac
because i remembered that he was at ROTR too,
so, i texted him, and we ended up meeting up with him and his friend.
no fucking wonder i dumped his sorry ass.
hes super sexy, but he never shuts up.
thats not usually a problem, its just that he talks about NOTHING.
and if its not nothing, its something incredably stupid.
god. what a dumbfuck.
anyways, rock on the range was sexy.
it was raining, so i showed up in an oversized raincoat and boots.
sexy times.
rayche was looking all hawt though.
so the minute we showed, we run into laura and sabrina.
so we watched some bands from afar.
then they ditched us or something. so we watched more bands.
we got fries and it was so delecious.
the rain didnt bother us at all, though it was uber cold.
ive never seen such intense moshing before.
like holy fuck.
there was this hot guy who has a bloody mouth because of it.
and he was like, HELL YEAH BITCHES.
wow, love it.
so the 'hilight would probally be seeing rise against.
gawd the people there were so hyped up to see them.
we ended up standing around waiting for them to come on with some sphs guys
aka jeremy and will- or whatever the fk his name is.
then this drunk guy came over and talked to rachel and me.
he was so hilarious. people like that make my day.
anyways, the band comes on, and people start moshing.
so rachel and i are like, whatever this is fun.
then people become more aggressive and we're fighting to say up
and im fucking grabbing drunk men in an effort not to fall down and die.
so at one point, it got too intense and people fell.
sorry raindancer, i fell ontop of your mancandy.
but everyone is like, GET THEM UP (us and like, four other people)
because we can get fucking trampled to death and die.
foserious.
so we get up and mosh again.
then in a period of ten minutes: some asses crowd surf over me and knock over about seven people, i begin to over heat, and i befriend the guy beside me.
oh, and the woman beside me tells me frantically she needs to get out.
i was like, alright, she;ll get herself out.
two minutes later, she turns to me again, and says sleepily, i need to get out.
so im kinda concerned, so i watch her and hold her arm.
...
she fucking faints in my arms.
THE WOMAN FUCKING FAINTS IN MY ARMS.
so, its hard enough standing up while moshing and not falling
try having 150 pounds of dead weight sliding to the floor.
fuck.
i puched all the people around me.
all of them were too fucking drunk to do anything.
so i finally found a guy who was sober, and shoved her into his arms.
i was going to fucking faint, so i grabed rachel and we fucking got out of there.
people are packed so fucking tight.
its like trying to break through a wall.
i was screaming, OUT OUT OUT!
and nobody was moving, so i pushed through.
finally one guy got the message and realized i was going to faint
and moved his ass out of there.
it took five minutes at least to get out of there.
we were still sprinting when we reached the outskirts
where people were just standing not so close together.
pushing through crowds with heavy breath, got some weird looks.
to quote rachel, i looked like i got raped.
jesus.
i ran over to security, clutching my rainjacket to my slightly unzipped sweater because the fucking mosh pit pulled down my strapless bra and tube top,
and screamed into their ear that a woman fucking fainted.
they ran off to look, and i ran off to the bathroom to rant.
i screamed at rachel about it for a good twenty minutes.
tramuatized. i am.
i almost fucking died.
90% of people were too drunk to do anything.
that woman...i dont even know. im so afraid for what mayve happened to her.
god.
...
anyways, after that, i decided to text zac
because i remembered that he was at ROTR too,
so, i texted him, and we ended up meeting up with him and his friend.
no fucking wonder i dumped his sorry ass.
hes super sexy, but he never shuts up.
thats not usually a problem, its just that he talks about NOTHING.
and if its not nothing, its something incredably stupid.
god. what a dumbfuck.
Monday, June 22, 2009
calander.
summer: an unclustered time to relax
where you can be asked the day of or the day before to do something
and the answer will be yes 6/7 times.
i took a look at my summer calander,
and about half, if not more, of my days are booked up.
im not complaining.
its just that, id like to be more carefree
and thats hard to do with a calander hanging on my wall.
where you can be asked the day of or the day before to do something
and the answer will be yes 6/7 times.
i took a look at my summer calander,
and about half, if not more, of my days are booked up.
im not complaining.
its just that, id like to be more carefree
and thats hard to do with a calander hanging on my wall.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
marriage.
so today i went to my frist wedding since i was like, 2.
it was so cute.
the ceremony was like, forty minutes
and it was nice to see how marriage actually works.
i thought the bride and groom were the sweetes couple ever.
they both looked so fking happy.
and i saw my cousins and weird loner uncle for the first time in five years.
they came over for three hours.
it was hawt. they both go to kelvin, so we gossiped a little.
it was..nice to hang out with slightly extend family.
it got me thinking about my wedding.
thats such a chick thing to say, but foserious:
i dont even really know.
short reception with close friends and my immediate family.
the only people i really care about in my family are:
my brothers, my parents, my grandparents, bruce, darren, and susan.
awh theyre great.
and my husand can invite whoever the hell he wants.
then the party thing will be sick.
my friends will be bitchin out on the dancefloor after a kickass dinner
and some random toasts that try too hard.
its ganna be..one of those nights where the worst things ever can happen
but it dsnt matter
because its your day no matter what
and the whole point is to have fun and celebtrate.
sexiness.
it was so cute.
the ceremony was like, forty minutes
and it was nice to see how marriage actually works.
i thought the bride and groom were the sweetes couple ever.
they both looked so fking happy.
and i saw my cousins and weird loner uncle for the first time in five years.
they came over for three hours.
it was hawt. they both go to kelvin, so we gossiped a little.
it was..nice to hang out with slightly extend family.
it got me thinking about my wedding.
thats such a chick thing to say, but foserious:
i dont even really know.
short reception with close friends and my immediate family.
the only people i really care about in my family are:
my brothers, my parents, my grandparents, bruce, darren, and susan.
awh theyre great.
and my husand can invite whoever the hell he wants.
then the party thing will be sick.
my friends will be bitchin out on the dancefloor after a kickass dinner
and some random toasts that try too hard.
its ganna be..one of those nights where the worst things ever can happen
but it dsnt matter
because its your day no matter what
and the whole point is to have fun and celebtrate.
sexiness.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
last.
so today was the last day of grade nine
it so dsnt feel like it.
double spare first two periods.
i shouldve just not gone, but fml i needed to do art.
so after that i walked over to starbucks
and had deep conversations and shared canker worm fears.
it was a fun time.
everything was so slack though.
and i got caught texting three times with tino
and she really did not give a shit.
fantastic. i love texting in class.
but now, its summer time. and im hyped.
CAMP STEPHENS <3
i promised people id write them letters, so i will.
but theres no time to write at camp
because its a rush to get on the lake, then im gone for 12 days.
so the only time i can mail them, is right when i get there
and that means writing the letters on the bus.
WHOOO. im so excited its crazyy.
plus, rock on the range is next weekend.
ganna party that shit up and get dead drunk. hawt.
it so dsnt feel like it.
double spare first two periods.
i shouldve just not gone, but fml i needed to do art.
so after that i walked over to starbucks
and had deep conversations and shared canker worm fears.
it was a fun time.
everything was so slack though.
and i got caught texting three times with tino
and she really did not give a shit.
fantastic. i love texting in class.
but now, its summer time. and im hyped.
CAMP STEPHENS <3
i promised people id write them letters, so i will.
but theres no time to write at camp
because its a rush to get on the lake, then im gone for 12 days.
so the only time i can mail them, is right when i get there
and that means writing the letters on the bus.
WHOOO. im so excited its crazyy.
plus, rock on the range is next weekend.
ganna party that shit up and get dead drunk. hawt.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
the final push.
ew my title sounds like giving birth.
ew. MIRACLE OF LIFE.
but forealz: grade nine. one more day left.
then exams. then summer.
fuckk its just crazy.
theres this little bit of work left to do
then BAM. tenth grade.
and then that will end, then eleventh grade.
then the final year of sma.
fuckk. 'the best years of my life' are going fast.
i dont want to waste them meandering along.
i want to DO stuff.
and that could be like i dont like dating...
it feels kinda like a...trap?
like, i dont enjoy being confined- always giving my time to the same person constantly.
im the kind of person who mixes things up.
and thats why my previous relationships have ended,
because ive become tired with them.
or it could also be because i never found the right guy...
thats beside the point.
the point is: life is passing by too quickly
and thats one of the few things im terrified of:
heights. confined spaces. time... rejection.
the thing is, time passing is simply something you cannot ignore.
im afraid.
all i can do is try to do the best i can currently
and try to live in the moment.
basically, 'the final push' refers to 'the last thing moment before the next'.
ew. MIRACLE OF LIFE.
but forealz: grade nine. one more day left.
then exams. then summer.
fuckk its just crazy.
theres this little bit of work left to do
then BAM. tenth grade.
and then that will end, then eleventh grade.
then the final year of sma.
fuckk. 'the best years of my life' are going fast.
i dont want to waste them meandering along.
i want to DO stuff.
and that could be like i dont like dating...
it feels kinda like a...trap?
like, i dont enjoy being confined- always giving my time to the same person constantly.
im the kind of person who mixes things up.
and thats why my previous relationships have ended,
because ive become tired with them.
or it could also be because i never found the right guy...
thats beside the point.
the point is: life is passing by too quickly
and thats one of the few things im terrified of:
heights. confined spaces. time... rejection.
the thing is, time passing is simply something you cannot ignore.
im afraid.
all i can do is try to do the best i can currently
and try to live in the moment.
basically, 'the final push' refers to 'the last thing moment before the next'.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
lunch.
OMG. my grandparents have been nagging me for months to get my ass over to their house so we can have lunch.
so today, WE DID.
i had my little frieds over
because they enjoy seeing what type of crowd im hanging out with
and we had delecious sandwiches. YUM.
and then we lay outside.
seriously their backyard is so amazing.
it backs up onto the river
and would be the best grad/wedding/family/whatever photo ever.
love it.
in the summer, i plan to camp out in their backyard with the raccoons.
its ganna be hawt.
so today, WE DID.
i had my little frieds over
because they enjoy seeing what type of crowd im hanging out with
and we had delecious sandwiches. YUM.
and then we lay outside.
seriously their backyard is so amazing.
it backs up onto the river
and would be the best grad/wedding/family/whatever photo ever.
love it.
in the summer, i plan to camp out in their backyard with the raccoons.
its ganna be hawt.
summer lovin'.
every summer, i usually get a summmer boy.
like, dont get me wrong-
i dont use them for 'summer activites only' or anything
then discard them.
i just like having someone who lives close to walk with and stuff.
but, due to current events,
i doubt i can have a summer boy this year.
sadness.
i get the fact that i cant really look for someone else,
but still? it saddens me.
i dont want to get serious.
i want somebody who is familar with 'the tricks of the trade'
and can provide me with such.
im rally turned off my inexperienced guys who dont know what to say.
then again...some good calogne and solve almost anything eh?
like, dont get me wrong-
i dont use them for 'summer activites only' or anything
then discard them.
i just like having someone who lives close to walk with and stuff.
but, due to current events,
i doubt i can have a summer boy this year.
sadness.
i get the fact that i cant really look for someone else,
but still? it saddens me.
i dont want to get serious.
i want somebody who is familar with 'the tricks of the trade'
and can provide me with such.
im rally turned off my inexperienced guys who dont know what to say.
then again...some good calogne and solve almost anything eh?
Sunday, June 14, 2009
flash of thunder.
oh dear jesus. thunder windup was last night.
BEST THING EVER.
family bbq. there was this pork that was DIVINE.
i wanted to eat it all. then there was this noodle stuff
and i had like, half of that thing. and megan had the other half.
geeze i need to get that recipe.
then we gave our coaches our balls we signed (LOL) and i had to make a speech.
argh everyone else is so lame.
so i made the coolest improv speech of all time.
then we booked it out of there to go to the park.
it was interesting.
there were mancandies there. hurray fo whyte ridge and their men.
so that was kinda lame, but fun.
then there was this kid, adam, who like, followed us.
so we talked with him.
man was he high.
remind me never to talk to stoners who work at mcdonalds.
SCARY.
but it was such a good time. i love those girls.
now, its going to be a whole summer babeless, and im sad ;[
ill probally call up holly though. shes a party.
plus, shes the one with all the older men.
can you say BONUS?
BEST THING EVER.
family bbq. there was this pork that was DIVINE.
i wanted to eat it all. then there was this noodle stuff
and i had like, half of that thing. and megan had the other half.
geeze i need to get that recipe.
then we gave our coaches our balls we signed (LOL) and i had to make a speech.
argh everyone else is so lame.
so i made the coolest improv speech of all time.
then we booked it out of there to go to the park.
it was interesting.
there were mancandies there. hurray fo whyte ridge and their men.
so that was kinda lame, but fun.
then there was this kid, adam, who like, followed us.
so we talked with him.
man was he high.
remind me never to talk to stoners who work at mcdonalds.
SCARY.
but it was such a good time. i love those girls.
now, its going to be a whole summer babeless, and im sad ;[
ill probally call up holly though. shes a party.
plus, shes the one with all the older men.
can you say BONUS?
Saturday, June 13, 2009
activities.
argh everyone is going to the ex.
and i understand how people love it.
but i seriously dont see the fun in it anymore.
i spend many many years of my childhood there, and its out of my system.
now, ive moved onto the
'lets hang out in the park or someones basement and just sit back, and relax' stage.
its not more fun, its just more, serane.
i enjoy it, and i beleive thats what matters.
but i just wanted to see mariannas trench on the 20th.
im the most pissed off kid that i cant go.
stupid goddamn wedding.
like, ive never been to a wedding before, and i dont have any need to go to one.
especially when it takes up my whole fucking staurday
ergo prevents me from hanging with people and studying for my exams.
fml. i wanted it so bad,
and my fathers offering to take me for some random hours
but id rather go to all of it or none of it, ya know?
but anyways,
i texted him last night and we're good now.
well, on the surface anyways.
hes my best guy friend, and we tried the 'relationship thing' and it didnt work.
im glad we got it out of our systems now.
i love him. so much.
and i knew if we went all dateish at this age, it would end badly.
so. date other people. become super jealous. cry over it.
no matter what, i will still love him.
and i just want whats best for him.
and whats best, is me being supportive of whatever-
or whoever he decides to do.
and i understand how people love it.
but i seriously dont see the fun in it anymore.
i spend many many years of my childhood there, and its out of my system.
now, ive moved onto the
'lets hang out in the park or someones basement and just sit back, and relax' stage.
its not more fun, its just more, serane.
i enjoy it, and i beleive thats what matters.
but i just wanted to see mariannas trench on the 20th.
im the most pissed off kid that i cant go.
stupid goddamn wedding.
like, ive never been to a wedding before, and i dont have any need to go to one.
especially when it takes up my whole fucking staurday
ergo prevents me from hanging with people and studying for my exams.
fml. i wanted it so bad,
and my fathers offering to take me for some random hours
but id rather go to all of it or none of it, ya know?
but anyways,
i texted him last night and we're good now.
well, on the surface anyways.
hes my best guy friend, and we tried the 'relationship thing' and it didnt work.
im glad we got it out of our systems now.
i love him. so much.
and i knew if we went all dateish at this age, it would end badly.
so. date other people. become super jealous. cry over it.
no matter what, i will still love him.
and i just want whats best for him.
and whats best, is me being supportive of whatever-
or whoever he decides to do.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
busy.
fuckk ive been so busy lately and it wont get much better.
in art today i was bitching about how summer is just as hectic as school
and the girls behind me thought i was insaine.
seriously. im so busy in the summer.
but i beleive it will be better this year because im only doing one camp.
camp stephens <3
then bemidji <3
AEROSMITH <3
and hanging with random friends and summer boys ;] <3
my calander for this month is booked solid.
its not cool.
like, i get random offers to hang out, and i can rarley take them.
its not fun.
in art today i was bitching about how summer is just as hectic as school
and the girls behind me thought i was insaine.
seriously. im so busy in the summer.
but i beleive it will be better this year because im only doing one camp.
camp stephens <3
then bemidji <3
AEROSMITH <3
and hanging with random friends and summer boys ;] <3
my calander for this month is booked solid.
its not cool.
like, i get random offers to hang out, and i can rarley take them.
its not fun.
Monday, June 8, 2009
you got me all wet.
so, today i decided to dance around my room for hours in my bikni and sunglasses.
JUST BECAUSE I WANT SUMMER.
and the only thing summer is good for is...
going swimming with guys.
thats just about it.
oh, and no school is good too. i guess.
but seriously. i need to have a pool party.
at least ONE of my frends/tools must allow me.
IT MUST GO DOWN before my babes are all gone ;[
i need some sexy time after all this stress (aka bad wheather)
just one party...at the beginning of summer.
not to hard to ask. co ed. of course.
and the only point of it being at at pool instead of a bush party in ass park (LOL)
is so that everyone can run around in basically their undies
[well, thats what swimsuits are after all.]
AND get all wet...in the pool...
its hawt. its wild. its summer.
AND I LOVE IT.
JUST BECAUSE I WANT SUMMER.
and the only thing summer is good for is...
going swimming with guys.
thats just about it.
oh, and no school is good too. i guess.
but seriously. i need to have a pool party.
at least ONE of my frends/tools must allow me.
IT MUST GO DOWN before my babes are all gone ;[
i need some sexy time after all this stress (aka bad wheather)
just one party...at the beginning of summer.
not to hard to ask. co ed. of course.
and the only point of it being at at pool instead of a bush party in ass park (LOL)
is so that everyone can run around in basically their undies
[well, thats what swimsuits are after all.]
AND get all wet...in the pool...
its hawt. its wild. its summer.
AND I LOVE IT.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
FML
Today, i ruined any chance i had of being happy as a highschool teenager. FML.
i fucked up everything again.
i told him. i didnt want it to end badly again.
it ended up worse than i though.
so much for being truthful.
now. all connection is gone from both of them.
ALL connection.
except facebook...i really should take that off.
i cant stop looking at his profile... damnit.
god damn life.
fuck love tiranges. and love in general.
fuck best friends and human companionship.
fuck relationships and school and life in general.
the only thing i have now, is ben and jerry.
oh. and come stick you needles in me, your voodo doll.
i deserve every ounce of that pain.
ps. the only thing worse than waiting for the phone to ring,
is knowing that it never will.
i fucked up everything again.
i told him. i didnt want it to end badly again.
it ended up worse than i though.
so much for being truthful.
now. all connection is gone from both of them.
ALL connection.
except facebook...i really should take that off.
i cant stop looking at his profile... damnit.
god damn life.
fuck love tiranges. and love in general.
fuck best friends and human companionship.
fuck relationships and school and life in general.
the only thing i have now, is ben and jerry.
oh. and come stick you needles in me, your voodo doll.
i deserve every ounce of that pain.
ps. the only thing worse than waiting for the phone to ring,
is knowing that it never will.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
questionable.
hm.
what to do what to do...
i really dont want to be slapped in the face metaphorically
or slap others in the face.
i wont let that happen.
today, two people told me i am a 'mean person'.
seriously? that hurts so much.
im glad ive been told though.
i dont want to be labled the mean bitch who hooks up with everything man.
i dont want that.
so, my resolution is to be...nice.
fuck, thats going to be hard (thats what she said)
ill do it though.
tommorow, ill bond with adriana and that crowd and be all...
small talkish about random innocent things.
such as...peppermint tea, sketchbook, and tide-to-go pens.
what to do what to do...
i really dont want to be slapped in the face metaphorically
or slap others in the face.
i wont let that happen.
today, two people told me i am a 'mean person'.
seriously? that hurts so much.
im glad ive been told though.
i dont want to be labled the mean bitch who hooks up with everything man.
i dont want that.
so, my resolution is to be...nice.
fuck, thats going to be hard (thats what she said)
ill do it though.
tommorow, ill bond with adriana and that crowd and be all...
small talkish about random innocent things.
such as...peppermint tea, sketchbook, and tide-to-go pens.
champs [not]
basketball yesterday.
championships against the sparks.
we played our asses off, we owed them some revenge.
i sware half their team fouled out- seriously.
our game went so late because of their stupid fouls.
and holly of a technical for 'kicking the other team'..? wtf?
so, we ended up losing.
49-47.
fml.
that silver medal i have...i threw it into a corner
and when i can bare i look at it,
im going to put it in my box of....well, my box of sad memories.
the box of memories i can hardly bring myself to remember.
i like having them all in a collective place
so i dont randomly stumble upon something that could make me cry...
ive got quite the assortment of things in there.
mostly failures.
from either some competive thing, a friendship, a relationship.
just a few things i have:
a shirt, a miniture boat, a movie ticket, silver medals.
its interesting really,
how im tearing up writing this...
interesting.
championships against the sparks.
we played our asses off, we owed them some revenge.
i sware half their team fouled out- seriously.
our game went so late because of their stupid fouls.
and holly of a technical for 'kicking the other team'..? wtf?
so, we ended up losing.
49-47.
fml.
that silver medal i have...i threw it into a corner
and when i can bare i look at it,
im going to put it in my box of....well, my box of sad memories.
the box of memories i can hardly bring myself to remember.
i like having them all in a collective place
so i dont randomly stumble upon something that could make me cry...
ive got quite the assortment of things in there.
mostly failures.
from either some competive thing, a friendship, a relationship.
just a few things i have:
a shirt, a miniture boat, a movie ticket, silver medals.
its interesting really,
how im tearing up writing this...
interesting.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
three points.
points one, two and three.
my 3 men who i dont know what to do with.
number one: im sorry i hurt you
and im sorry i want to do this again... but i miss you.
i guess i can wait till after exams for your decision- but should i move on?
i dont think i want you that bad.
hun, now its me pressuring you for time.
hurry up.
number two: youre nice.
we could be something...easily, actually.
am i up for it?
plus...the history of the near past.
its mocknig me.
number three: fml. im sorry.
i dont blame you. i can only blame myself.
i should have learned to control my impluses. i didnt.
now. we're ruiened forever.
as creepy as it is, i had my life pre-planned with you.
i could see us together forever.
now, im afarid, because i dont know what to do.
should we try starting over? but i know youll never forget...
now, the million dollar question:
one, two or three?
my 3 men who i dont know what to do with.
number one: im sorry i hurt you
and im sorry i want to do this again... but i miss you.
i guess i can wait till after exams for your decision- but should i move on?
i dont think i want you that bad.
hun, now its me pressuring you for time.
hurry up.
number two: youre nice.
we could be something...easily, actually.
am i up for it?
plus...the history of the near past.
its mocknig me.
number three: fml. im sorry.
i dont blame you. i can only blame myself.
i should have learned to control my impluses. i didnt.
now. we're ruiened forever.
as creepy as it is, i had my life pre-planned with you.
i could see us together forever.
now, im afarid, because i dont know what to do.
should we try starting over? but i know youll never forget...
now, the million dollar question:
one, two or three?
anew.
im starting a new blog.
i got fed up with my other one.
it didnt feel right.
im keeping it simple, and how it is.
questions? ask.
i got fed up with my other one.
it didnt feel right.
im keeping it simple, and how it is.
questions? ask.
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