decisions.

the decisions we make shape our charcter.
if theyre bad or good, all in all, it ends up the same.
i never take back things i say
or anything that i do, for that matter,
because i beleive everything is done for a reason.
but, im beginning to doubt myself.
love is a strange thing.
ive only loved one guy before- back in the fifth grade.
i didnt realize it until it was too late.
but i was young. its not like i couldve done anything.
i still love him. but, not like i used to.
now, im afraid im in love.
im to scared to do anything because
a. i dont want to ruin a friendship- because im not even sure if i feel anything romantically and
b. i mayve hurt him too bad for him to ever fully forgive or trust me.
i know this is an old topic.
but the thing is, i cant stop thinking about it.
its a stupid love triangle thats still on going.
i love him. like, seriously, i do.
its just that, i dont see us doing anything serious at this age.
being the creeper i am, i can see us being cute little old people together
and getting married and whatnot,
but just not teen dating.
whats wrong with me?
should i just look past that and try even harder, or go with what i feel?
i dont what him to pass me by...

business.

i understand why people gossip.
i do it. i love gossip.
the thing is, i gossip about myself.
i try not to do so about others, though i usually do.
so just shut up.
stop talking shit about me.
whats done is done, let it go.
its my business, not yours.
you shoudnt be on anyones 'side'.
there are no sides.
we're all on the same team.
you dont know the whole story.
only i do. hear that? only ME.
not the stupid street rumors or snippits of info you hear.
so fuck, just shut up and stop talking about me and them.
its none of your god damn business.

ROTR.

lol. this is a lil' over due. but whatevs.
anyways, rock on the range was sexy.
it was raining, so i showed up in an oversized raincoat and boots.
sexy times.
rayche was looking all hawt though.
so the minute we showed, we run into laura and sabrina.
so we watched some bands from afar.
then they ditched us or something. so we watched more bands.
we got fries and it was so delecious.
the rain didnt bother us at all, though it was uber cold.
ive never seen such intense moshing before.
like holy fuck.
there was this hot guy who has a bloody mouth because of it.
and he was like, HELL YEAH BITCHES.
wow, love it.
so the 'hilight would probally be seeing rise against.
gawd the people there were so hyped up to see them.
we ended up standing around waiting for them to come on with some sphs guys
aka jeremy and will- or whatever the fk his name is.
then this drunk guy came over and talked to rachel and me.
he was so hilarious. people like that make my day.
anyways, the band comes on, and people start moshing.
so rachel and i are like, whatever this is fun.
then people become more aggressive and we're fighting to say up
and im fucking grabbing drunk men in an effort not to fall down and die.
so at one point, it got too intense and people fell.
sorry raindancer, i fell ontop of your mancandy.
but everyone is like, GET THEM UP (us and like, four other people)
because we can get fucking trampled to death and die.
foserious.
so we get up and mosh again.
then in a period of ten minutes: some asses crowd surf over me and knock over about seven people, i begin to over heat, and i befriend the guy beside me.
oh, and the woman beside me tells me frantically she needs to get out.
i was like, alright, she;ll get herself out.
two minutes later, she turns to me again, and says sleepily, i need to get out.
so im kinda concerned, so i watch her and hold her arm.
...
she fucking faints in my arms.
THE WOMAN FUCKING FAINTS IN MY ARMS.
so, its hard enough standing up while moshing and not falling
try having 150 pounds of dead weight sliding to the floor.
fuck.
i puched all the people around me.
all of them were too fucking drunk to do anything.
so i finally found a guy who was sober, and shoved her into his arms.
i was going to fucking faint, so i grabed rachel and we fucking got out of there.
people are packed so fucking tight.
its like trying to break through a wall.
i was screaming, OUT OUT OUT!
and nobody was moving, so i pushed through.
finally one guy got the message and realized i was going to faint
and moved his ass out of there.
it took five minutes at least to get out of there.
we were still sprinting when we reached the outskirts
where people were just standing not so close together.
pushing through crowds with heavy breath, got some weird looks.
to quote rachel, i looked like i got raped.
jesus.
i ran over to security, clutching my rainjacket to my slightly unzipped sweater because the fucking mosh pit pulled down my strapless bra and tube top,
and screamed into their ear that a woman fucking fainted.
they ran off to look, and i ran off to the bathroom to rant.
i screamed at rachel about it for a good twenty minutes.
tramuatized. i am.
i almost fucking died.
90% of people were too drunk to do anything.
that woman...i dont even know. im so afraid for what mayve happened to her.
god.
...
anyways, after that, i decided to text zac
because i remembered that he was at ROTR too,
so, i texted him, and we ended up meeting up with him and his friend.
no fucking wonder i dumped his sorry ass.
hes super sexy, but he never shuts up.
thats not usually a problem, its just that he talks about NOTHING.
and if its not nothing, its something incredably stupid.
god. what a dumbfuck.

calander.

summer: an unclustered time to relax
where you can be asked the day of or the day before to do something
and the answer will be yes 6/7 times.
i took a look at my summer calander,
and about half, if not more, of my days are booked up.
im not complaining.
its just that, id like to be more carefree
and thats hard to do with a calander hanging on my wall.

marriage.

so today i went to my frist wedding since i was like, 2.
it was so cute.
the ceremony was like, forty minutes
and it was nice to see how marriage actually works.
i thought the bride and groom were the sweetes couple ever.
they both looked so fking happy.
and i saw my cousins and weird loner uncle for the first time in five years.
they came over for three hours.
it was hawt. they both go to kelvin, so we gossiped a little.
it was..nice to hang out with slightly extend family.
it got me thinking about my wedding.
thats such a chick thing to say, but foserious:
i dont even really know.
short reception with close friends and my immediate family.
the only people i really care about in my family are:
my brothers, my parents, my grandparents, bruce, darren, and susan.
awh theyre great.
and my husand can invite whoever the hell he wants.
then the party thing will be sick.
my friends will be bitchin out on the dancefloor after a kickass dinner
and some random toasts that try too hard.
its ganna be..one of those nights where the worst things ever can happen
but it dsnt matter
because its your day no matter what
and the whole point is to have fun and celebtrate.
sexiness.

last.

so today was the last day of grade nine
it so dsnt feel like it.
double spare first two periods.
i shouldve just not gone, but fml i needed to do art.
so after that i walked over to starbucks
and had deep conversations and shared canker worm fears.
it was a fun time.
everything was so slack though.
and i got caught texting three times with tino
and she really did not give a shit.
fantastic. i love texting in class.
but now, its summer time. and im hyped.
CAMP STEPHENS <3
i promised people id write them letters, so i will.
but theres no time to write at camp
because its a rush to get on the lake, then im gone for 12 days.
so the only time i can mail them, is right when i get there
and that means writing the letters on the bus.
WHOOO. im so excited its crazyy.
plus, rock on the range is next weekend.
ganna party that shit up and get dead drunk. hawt.

the final push.

ew my title sounds like giving birth.
ew. MIRACLE OF LIFE.
but forealz: grade nine. one more day left.
then exams. then summer.
fuckk its just crazy.
theres this little bit of work left to do
then BAM. tenth grade.
and then that will end, then eleventh grade.
then the final year of sma.
fuckk. 'the best years of my life' are going fast.
i dont want to waste them meandering along.
i want to DO stuff.
and that could be like i dont like dating...
it feels kinda like a...trap?
like, i dont enjoy being confined- always giving my time to the same person constantly.
im the kind of person who mixes things up.
and thats why my previous relationships have ended,
because ive become tired with them.
or it could also be because i never found the right guy...
thats beside the point.
the point is: life is passing by too quickly
and thats one of the few things im terrified of:
heights. confined spaces. time... rejection.
the thing is, time passing is simply something you cannot ignore.
im afraid.
all i can do is try to do the best i can currently
and try to live in the moment.
basically, 'the final push' refers to 'the last thing moment before the next'.

lunch.

OMG. my grandparents have been nagging me for months to get my ass over to their house so we can have lunch.
so today, WE DID.
i had my little frieds over
because they enjoy seeing what type of crowd im hanging out with
and we had delecious sandwiches. YUM.
and then we lay outside.
seriously their backyard is so amazing.
it backs up onto the river
and would be the best grad/wedding/family/whatever photo ever.
love it.
in the summer, i plan to camp out in their backyard with the raccoons.
its ganna be hawt.

summer lovin'.

every summer, i usually get a summmer boy.
like, dont get me wrong-
i dont use them for 'summer activites only' or anything
then discard them.
i just like having someone who lives close to walk with and stuff.
but, due to current events,
i doubt i can have a summer boy this year.
sadness.
i get the fact that i cant really look for someone else,
but still? it saddens me.
i dont want to get serious.
i want somebody who is familar with 'the tricks of the trade'
and can provide me with such.
im rally turned off my inexperienced guys who dont know what to say.
then again...some good calogne and solve almost anything eh?

flash of thunder.

oh dear jesus. thunder windup was last night.
BEST THING EVER.
family bbq. there was this pork that was DIVINE.
i wanted to eat it all. then there was this noodle stuff
and i had like, half of that thing. and megan had the other half.
geeze i need to get that recipe.
then we gave our coaches our balls we signed (LOL) and i had to make a speech.
argh everyone else is so lame.
so i made the coolest improv speech of all time.
then we booked it out of there to go to the park.
it was interesting.
there were mancandies there. hurray fo whyte ridge and their men.
so that was kinda lame, but fun.
then there was this kid, adam, who like, followed us.
so we talked with him.
man was he high.
remind me never to talk to stoners who work at mcdonalds.
SCARY.
but it was such a good time. i love those girls.
now, its going to be a whole summer babeless, and im sad ;[
ill probally call up holly though. shes a party.
plus, shes the one with all the older men.
can you say BONUS?

activities.

argh everyone is going to the ex.
and i understand how people love it.
but i seriously dont see the fun in it anymore.
i spend many many years of my childhood there, and its out of my system.
now, ive moved onto the
'lets hang out in the park or someones basement and just sit back, and relax' stage.
its not more fun, its just more, serane.
i enjoy it, and i beleive thats what matters.
but i just wanted to see mariannas trench on the 20th.
im the most pissed off kid that i cant go.
stupid goddamn wedding.
like, ive never been to a wedding before, and i dont have any need to go to one.
especially when it takes up my whole fucking staurday
ergo prevents me from hanging with people and studying for my exams.
fml. i wanted it so bad,
and my fathers offering to take me for some random hours
but id rather go to all of it or none of it, ya know?
but anyways,
i texted him last night and we're good now.
well, on the surface anyways.
hes my best guy friend, and we tried the 'relationship thing' and it didnt work.
im glad we got it out of our systems now.
i love him. so much.
and i knew if we went all dateish at this age, it would end badly.
so. date other people. become super jealous. cry over it.
no matter what, i will still love him.
and i just want whats best for him.
and whats best, is me being supportive of whatever-
or whoever he decides to do.

busy.

fuckk ive been so busy lately and it wont get much better.
in art today i was bitching about how summer is just as hectic as school
and the girls behind me thought i was insaine.
seriously. im so busy in the summer.
but i beleive it will be better this year because im only doing one camp.
camp stephens <3
then bemidji <3
AEROSMITH <3
and hanging with random friends and summer boys ;] <3
my calander for this month is booked solid.
its not cool.
like, i get random offers to hang out, and i can rarley take them.
its not fun.

you got me all wet.

so, today i decided to dance around my room for hours in my bikni and sunglasses.
JUST BECAUSE I WANT SUMMER.
and the only thing summer is good for is...
going swimming with guys.
thats just about it.
oh, and no school is good too. i guess.
but seriously. i need to have a pool party.
at least ONE of my frends/tools must allow me.
IT MUST GO DOWN before my babes are all gone ;[
i need some sexy time after all this stress (aka bad wheather)
just one party...at the beginning of summer.
not to hard to ask. co ed. of course.
and the only point of it being at at pool instead of a bush party in ass park (LOL)
is so that everyone can run around in basically their undies
[well, thats what swimsuits are after all.]
AND get all wet...in the pool...
its hawt. its wild. its summer.
AND I LOVE IT.

FML

Today, i ruined any chance i had of being happy as a highschool teenager. FML.

i fucked up everything again.
i told him. i didnt want it to end badly again.
it ended up worse than i though.
so much for being truthful.
now. all connection is gone from both of them.
ALL connection.
except facebook...i really should take that off.
i cant stop looking at his profile... damnit.
god damn life.
fuck love tiranges. and love in general.
fuck best friends and human companionship.
fuck relationships and school and life in general.
the only thing i have now, is ben and jerry.
oh. and come stick you needles in me, your voodo doll.
i deserve every ounce of that pain.
ps. the only thing worse than waiting for the phone to ring,
is knowing that it never will.

questionable.

hm.
what to do what to do...
i really dont want to be slapped in the face metaphorically
or slap others in the face.
i wont let that happen.
today, two people told me i am a 'mean person'.
seriously? that hurts so much.
im glad ive been told though.
i dont want to be labled the mean bitch who hooks up with everything man.
i dont want that.
so, my resolution is to be...nice.
fuck, thats going to be hard (thats what she said)
ill do it though.
tommorow, ill bond with adriana and that crowd and be all...
small talkish about random innocent things.
such as...peppermint tea, sketchbook, and tide-to-go pens.

champs [not]

basketball yesterday.
championships against the sparks.
we played our asses off, we owed them some revenge.
i sware half their team fouled out- seriously.
our game went so late because of their stupid fouls.
and holly of a technical for 'kicking the other team'..? wtf?
so, we ended up losing.
49-47.
fml.
that silver medal i have...i threw it into a corner
and when i can bare i look at it,
im going to put it in my box of....well, my box of sad memories.
the box of memories i can hardly bring myself to remember.
i like having them all in a collective place
so i dont randomly stumble upon something that could make me cry...
ive got quite the assortment of things in there.
mostly failures.
from either some competive thing, a friendship, a relationship.
just a few things i have:
a shirt, a miniture boat, a movie ticket, silver medals.
its interesting really,
how im tearing up writing this...
interesting.

three points.

points one, two and three.
my 3 men who i dont know what to do with.
number one: im sorry i hurt you
and im sorry i want to do this again... but i miss you.
i guess i can wait till after exams for your decision- but should i move on?
i dont think i want you that bad.
hun, now its me pressuring you for time.
hurry up.
number two: youre nice.
we could be something...easily, actually.
am i up for it?
plus...the history of the near past.
its mocknig me.
number three: fml. im sorry.
i dont blame you. i can only blame myself.
i should have learned to control my impluses. i didnt.
now. we're ruiened forever.
as creepy as it is, i had my life pre-planned with you.
i could see us together forever.
now, im afarid, because i dont know what to do.
should we try starting over? but i know youll never forget...
now, the million dollar question:
one, two or three?

anew.

im starting a new blog.
i got fed up with my other one.
it didnt feel right.
im keeping it simple, and how it is.
questions? ask.