programming.

i got my phone back- thank jesus.
there was something fkd about the system
so we whiped it and now, it should be good.
stupid programming.
a year and a half until my contracts over :/

loner.

today, my phone finally crashed...for good.
so, im now using the phone i had in the sixth and seventh grade.
it capitalizes every word and uses t9.
i hate it.
actually, its not that bad.
i just have to use it until feburary or so-
until whenever MTS and rogers collide into one uber company.
because then all contracts will change and shit will get better.
see picture of my lame phone to the right.

onion.

you know in the first shrek movie,
how shrek is talking to donkey about how he has layers?
the onion peels off layer after layer
and after an eternity of trying, you get to the centre.
alot of people are like that.
my friends are all complex people with complex emotions and reactions.
but, me? im not very complex,
and i find that really sad.
im a very simple person.
only in certian areas, after provoking me, do situations become complex.
every human being has some layers to their self.
and when exposed to someone, they peel off until they know who you are
almost as well as you do. or sometimes, even better.
to most, thats a frightening though.
who would want to have people predict your every move and emotion?
me, actually.
im not too hard to figure out.
and the one person who was almost there...
well, grew tired of peeling the same layers away, to say the least.
i crave somebody to do that. somebody new.
thats why im looking forward to the new school year so much.
ill get to meet new people.
more potential best friends. more potential boyfriend material.
right now, im desperate for friendship.
ill do anything to get it.
tonight, im going to the mall to talk with strangers.
maybe somebody interesting will turn up.
then again, maybe not.

the power of knowing.

im not a stupid person.
i get good grades in school and have enough common sense to get me by.
but... thats not enough.
i love it when people tell me things i dont know,
its fun to know.
but, when it constantly happens, it gets annoying
and takes a toll on my ego.
im aware everybody knows more than me in different aspects,
or most aspects if you will,
but people, try to be more stuble when talking to those of lesser brain power.

want.

i hate being the kind of person who never knows.
the kind of person whos decisions are always uncertian.
for instance, i always want what i cant have.
always.
it kinda sucks.
because i know, i cant have something, but i try anyways.
sometimes *cough*usually*cough*, i get it.
when i get it though, i dont want it anymore.
i know logically, i either want, or dont want it.
but my stupid personality wont let me let things go.
i hold onto things until they slip away.
or rather, i push things away from me until theyre gone.
then, the challange is getting them back.
i supose its a game to me.
skill and technique are used to win.
the question is: tell me, is winning worth it?
no matter what position in what relationship im in,
i always manage to fuck it up in some way
because i want things to be better.
sometimes, 'better' involves moving on.
sometimes it involves leaving the situation.
but usually, it involves leaving things the way they are.
things can stay the way they are forever.
thats something you need to realize.
in some situations, moving forward dsnt need to be an option.
i push away those i care about.
the people i dont really need, they stay put.
if anything, shouldnt it be the other way around?

tardiness.

i hate it when people are late.
srs. compensate for other people.
you should always be there within a period of 10 minutes.
like, if you have to be there at 5,
you should arrive anywhere from 455-505.
thats the acceptable time period.
when youre ten minutes or more late, thats just asking for trouble.
i remember when mary picked me up once.
she was an hour and a half late.
i sat there for the whole fucking time.
so pissed off.
with me guys, just, dont be late.
or late without notice at least.

legacy.

dancer, i beleive youre right.
about how we have no legacy, i mean.
its a scary thought.
our generation has accomplished nothing.
sure, we had the first black president-
but that was bound to happen at some point in time.
honestly? im tired about this social TREND
the one regarding abroginal rights and privlidges.
sure, you where on this land first, but we're here now
and we also respect your ways, but that dsnt mean you get special shit.
i sware, theres about seven books in my house
on how...silly all the laws regarding them are.
theyre quite interesting actually.
anyways, back to our legacy.
technology is progressings scarily quickly.
other generations will be known for that as well.
eventually, artifical life will be created,
and frankly, i dont want to be around when the world goes all irobot.
we're at the point where science fiction is reality.
anything is possible.
and that fact is terrifying.
think about it.
anything that you deemed impossible, will be able to happen someday.
well, 99% of the things youre thinking of.
obviously, we wont be able to put on musicals with different rock formations and cloud types.
...
or will we?

sand.

raychee and i went to grand beach today
with father and brock of course.
it was really nice...
besides the fact that i walked around in a blanket :/
rach seemed to have fun though, and thats what matters.
did i mention how i hate sand?
well, not sand in general.
just sand when it sticks to your body because you applied sunscreen.
alot.
and you know theres something wrong
when theres still sand on your body after you shower.
how does that even happen?
im probally just disabled in the shower aspect.
oh. ps, im now addicted to the song on my blog by wham.
its so catchy and fun.
mother keeps laughing at me for loving it, because its an old song.
you know what mother?
ITS A GOOD SONG.

run it.

i went for a late run today,
with mother biking behind me.
ive been going on little random errands with my parents latley.
not for bonding, but to get out of the house.
i hate being locked inside the same area.
when they drive, i can go places just for the sake of going.
when mother and i got back from the SEU office, sport check, and source for sports,
i went for a run with her biking behind me.
it was about 20 minutes around lindenwoods, no stopping.
except once, for about sixty seconds.
then i sprinted like a crazy person.
it was nice.
to get out and run, i mean.
i never really got into it, but when i do go,
its awesome. you just...go.
you go wherever you want at whatever pace
and just push yourself farther and farther, until you cant go anymore.
but then, you keep going anyways.
thats the way i disipline myself.
plus, i love it.

uzo.

i finished basketball camp today.
christ, the hardest three days of sport ive ever done.
i wish i had been there for the whole week though.
it was an awesome experience playing with a university player,
and having a british and german coach flown out to teach the 12 of us for the day.
they had awesome accents-
not to mention an amazing grasp on the game
which helped me realize: theres just so much density to it.
you may be shown only a few aspects of basketball,
but with time and experience, you are shown so many different perspectives.
i did drills ive never seen before.
i ran like there was no tommorow.
i learned skills ive only seen in the NBA.
most of all, i realized the girls i play with want to be like uzo.
they want to play university basketball
and experience sport to the highest level possible.
me? im not like that.
im there for the sake of sweating my ass off- and loving every second.
maybe my love for the game will turn into something more. who knows?
we talked about university basketball, and what it takes.
i dont think i could manage school, basketball/work out every day (at least)
and possibly a job as well.
that takes time managment, which i really dont have.
i think being a student, and taking it slow, to love it is what matters.
maybe then, ill take up some sport i can play recrecationally forever.
ive always wanted to do squash...or yoga...or kickboxing...
i have plenty of time to decide.
after all, two years can be passed as quickly or as slowly as i like.

random compliments.

so, ya know how i stay to friends or strangers stuff like,
'HEY. YOU HAVE BEAUTIFUL EYES'.
well, i love doing that.
it boosts peoples self esteem, and it makes me happy.
today at the terrace, we were closing down,
and this woman pulls me over.
she says to me 'i like the way you walk'
i was like, sorry pardon?
she was like, 'the way to walk. you have amazing poise.
all the other people here, cant walk like you do.
its like you just glide across the floor.
did you ever take lessons? carrying a book on your head and such?'
oh god i was so flattered.
thats why i love it there.
the people.
they just say things to you if youll let them.
one woman the other day commented on how nice my shoes were
and how they fit my personality.
another told me i had nice eyes.
and now, this.
its just always so nice to be told positive things about yourself;
especially if theyre things nobody usually notices.
thats one of my goals for the school year:
to boost other peoples self esteem.
its ganna be tricky, but i think itll work out.

outside the box.

i was right.
you cant stay mad.
and i have a feeling, that we'll go back to the way we were.
or, at least something very close to it.
the only thing i constantly have on my mind now is,
how can i face your family?
they all know what i did.
they all judged me accordingly.
you can forgive me, but what about them?
theyll be less tolerable. less forgiving.
i dont know if i can handle that.

trouble.

im beginning to think youre more trouble than youre worth.
am i right?
when im around you, we're best friends.
when we're apart, we're still best friends.
you said before, its just a matter of time before things change.
until we become 'an item'.
you know what?
we need to stop rushing it.
i like being your friend.
i can deal with the occasional sexual tension.
incident after incident keeps happening.
tell me, is it worth it?
the pain? the anger? the tears?
im beginning to doubt it is.

simplistic.

have you ever had a day,
where things are great one second, and the next theyre tumbling down around you?
like somebody pushed the self destruct button by mistake.
my finger slipped, and hit that button.
lifes problems, no matter how complex, can always be boiled down to a simple sentence.
this time, the sentence is the same as it has been for months:
im an idiot.
a stupid selfcentred moron with no selfcontrol who lives to please others.
i cant please everybody.
and in a weak attempt to try and please the two people who matter most in my life right now, i burst into flames.
yeah. i did over drink.
but that was only to numb the pain thats built up emotionally.
yeah. i did go back to him.
but only because...well, because i didnt see anything wrong with it.
i cant lose you.
i know i fucked up HARD, but im for real this time.
i understand if you cant give me another chance. you have no trust.
but...i cant imagine life without you.
when i was sitting in my basement alone, under a heap of blankets;
i didnt care that my lips tasted like vodka or tears streamed my face.
the only thing i cared about, was that i had hurt you
and there was nothing i could do to make your pain stop.
at 330 am, i managed to get to sleep.
when i awoke, the pain i felt for you, transitioned onto me.
and so, ive been in the basement.
watching texas hold 'em for the past four hours.
at the start of the game, a player had the same name as you.
i wanted him to win.
and you know what? he got to the finals with a 13% chance of winning on the river.
and he won.
he defeated all the odds, and got what he wanted.
i want to know what you want.
do you want me to leave you alone? to try and patch this whole mess up?
to completly ignore you and delete all trace?
or, is there even the slightest chance, that you can forgive me for making another mistake?
i cant hold my liquor very well- but thats no excuse.
i shouldntve been talking to him. sneeking around.
from here on out, just tell me what you want, and ill make it happen.
its all about you. make your move.

back.

back from camp and the states babes.
camp stephens was amazing.
two weeks of no showers, sleeping on rocks and constant rain is always great.
thank god i smell like flowers now instead of rotting vegtables :/
but, what happens at camp, stays at camp, so i cant discuss any further.
bemidji and valleyfair were great too.
bemidji is just my get away for the breaks.
we're going again in september.
oh god. they hire college boys to work at the boat house.
theyre so hot. especially how they do all their work shirtless. yummy.
the extra 4 hour drive to valleyfair was nice.
i browsed radio stations all the way there, which pissed everyone off royally.
carl, andrew, robert and i had a blast.
we rode the rides. spotted random hotties. chased animals. and played xbox.
i have now discovered that frozen custard is my bitch lover.
anyways, i went to the italian folkorama the other day.
it was a blast. well, its not like i actually saw the folkoarama stuff.
i stayed in the parking lot the whole time, which was probally the better choice.
thank you alana, for sneeking me drinks from the volunteer section ;p
argh. i wish i had forgin cousins who couldnt speak english.
they seem like so much fun.

temp.

So, I'm in bemidji on Andrews iPod.
Got back from camp stephens not too long ago
And it was pure sexy times man.
Now I'm chillaxing in the USA with the fam jam
Then, valleyfair.
Stay tuned for more detail when I get back babes.