teenage sins.

so. at this age, there are three things-
drinking, drugs, and sex-
that consume our minds.
well, maybe not consume. but are pressured to do.
and you know what?
ive been pressured into each one too many times.
so, fuck that. im going 100% clean.
well, maybe 98% clean.
one does need the occasional make out session and drink.
nothing extreme though.
our lives shouldnt be boiled down to such bad things at this age.
drinknig is tempting.
everyones doing it, and it does look fun.
but the concenquences are too extreme to even go there,
and even if you do take a little, id rather not.
also, drugs- not as tempting, but the pressure is still there-
not at st marys of course.
but, my public school friends are like 'hurray. pot. crack. lets get high.'
NO. its icky and kills your body and brain.
its so much worse than drinking- in my mindset at least.
you can get hooked, and you can get kicked out of places, and parents...
its just too great a risk.
finally, sex.
a HUGE pressure.
anyone whos dated has been there.
and even those who havnt have also been there.
i used to view it as not a big deal. but really guys?
once you lose it, theres no going back. ever.
and you cant understand that until youve lost something or someone
who is never coming back to you. ever.
your perfect guy deserves that- and yeah, he IS out there.. somewhere.
dont take that away from him- even though he may be from you.
being young and confused is what being a teenager is for.
well, thats part of it.
the other part is sorting out that confusion and growing up.
so. dont fall into temptation.
sort your opinions out somewhere at home, so when the moment comes to act
you know what is best for you.
and you dont act on instinct. its often wrong.
so guys, just be wary.

blog happiness.

ive been blogging alot latley about one subject:
lost love.
well fuck that. its no longer a topic.
MOVING ON IS FRIGGIN GREAT.
and by that i mean basically impossible.
just trying to be optomistic.
WELL, today is my brothers 2 week belated brithday brunch.
heading over to the grand'rents for some cake and whatnot.
im quiet excited.
because the cake they make is always delecious.
one of these days i have to go over there and learn how to make it.
mostly because mother sucks ass at cooking,
and its a family tradition.
so its between me and brock. andrew cant cook. at all.
and after that brunch, homework.
fuck. i have so much.
social questions and studying. so fucked over, SO FUCKED OVER.
then theres math that i hardly understand.
ill do that... maybe.
and american history reading. thats easy enough,
just uber time consuming. meh.
and...finding a history book to read.
and working on that ela symbols project.
its just the social. that. is. fucking. me. up. the ass.
IHATEGEOGRAPHY.
and for that matter, i hate math too.

changes.

so. over the past month or so, ive changed.
alot.
just to clarify, mostly to myself, this is how:

before:
chasity is a joke.
people should be having sex whenever they want to.
ho it up everywhere you go- who cares?!
dont care what people think. ever,
its only your opinion that matters.
simple plan. very limited music choices-
i wouldnt dare tell i love taylor swift to the world.
sput of the moment decisions are the best kind.
...i wasnt ready for you.

after:
sex should wait. not nesscarily until marriage,
but until you find that person youre sure you want to marry.
dont flaunt your body in a negative way,
nobody wants a negative repuitation with the record to match.
other peoples opinions matter- not everybodys though.
just the opinions of those close to you.
anything from the jo-bros to motley crue, from taylor swift to avenged sevelfold,
those are the bands i love.
think out your decisions, so when the moment arrives
you know what to do. dont get trapped.
...i needed you.
ive learned so much in this short period of time.
its changed me for the better.
and for that, i thank you.
tonight, i think ill have a one-woman bonfire.
im burning all my memories of you. lets see if it helps.

stabbed.

i keep hangnig onto hope.
and each time i clamber for it, i get stabbed in the heart.
over. and over. and over again.
i cant take much more of this.
i sware, im trying to let go of you.
i really dont want to.
but i have to,
since youre convinced its best.
this wont happen anytime soon.
but, if you dont make your move soon, ill be gone.
ptff. there i go again.
hanging onto a shred of hope.
why cant i just drop it?
you dont want me. youre never coming bac.
i guess im one of those people who need to hear it from you.
i dont regret not talking to you today.
its too soon.
maybe.. with time, we'll both cool down.
but i doubt it.
and it rips me. shreds me into a thousand pieces.
that are then scattered in the wind by you, for me to collect.
havnt i gone through enough pain?
youll say, its all my fault in the first place.
well, yeah. it really is. theres nobody to blame but myself.
i hate myself.
id kill myself, but then all hope would be lost for us.
im not giving up, love.

expectations.

i was ready for you to approach me.
thats what i heard the rumors were, at least.
i decided what my reaction would be, and what to say.
but, that preparing and anxiety all went to waste.
i dont know why im still crazy over you.
i shouldnt be.
i broke your heart, and you broke mine,
and you made it clear that no matter how much duct tape i have
its not going to become fixed.
so i picked up the pieces and im doing it on my own.
lets keep it that way.
...
and yet, im not sure if i mean that.

best friend.

dear best friend:
hey. why did you have to move away?
i know we wernt very close anymore, but you were still my best friend.
now, with distance, we faded and the bond is weak.
you were always there. and i miss you.
i need to call you. like, actually call you.

let me tell you a little something,
dont fall in love with your best friend.
love your best friend, yeah, but dont get mixed up with romance.
its just... too complicated-
unless youre sure thats what you want.
sorry 'bout that honey. but, i wasnt ready i guess.
youre a great guy. and i miss you.
i need to talk to you. like, seriously talk to you.

and now, ghost of my best friends,
i have nobody left. you were it.
my best girl friend forever and my best guy friend forever.
my soul mates, if you will.
now. now theres nothing.

love,
regret.

ps. im spiraling into a void.
thats what no love will do to a person.

arghh.

i hear ya dancer; busy-ness.
just, to busy to do the little things latley.
like, homework, sports, and sleep takes priority.
everything else falls into the 'do later' list.
so stuff like calling friends, making plans, taking alone time,
and for me, even showering (i know, gross).
so, this weekend, i took a little more allie time.
its sunday, and today is my homework day.
cuz on friday and saturday i went to a basketball game
and sat at home with peppermint tea and chocolate jujubes
watching food network.
id call that a great weekend.
so now, i gotta find that happy medium.
that seems to cause everybody some trouble.

greatness.

life is great.
school is a whole bunch of work,
but the people are amazing,
and i can handle it. im there to learn after all.
im taking up karate again,
which is going to get super busy,
but im doing a self defense course at sjr
WHICH IS GOING TO KICK ASS.
im teaching the grade 11s (BOYS!!) and get to miss the afternoon,
so ela and geo.
plus, i dont mind having a very limited social life.
i have a few really good friends, and thats all i need.
basketball, karate, volunteering, family stuff, homework, and running
thats all i can really handle ;p

shallow.

people tend to think im kinda shallow,
because im super self absorbed and boy obessed.
but i kinda realized,
that if anything, im one of the least shallow people out there.
i dont go for looks.
they dont matter.
as long as i dont cringe when i look at a guy,
thats great.
everybody else is like "OOO SEX LINES AND 6 PACK ARE MANDITORY"
but really?
as long as they can make me laugh and hold up a conversation,
then he has my heart.

settle.

nothings really been going on.
school, of course, but thats lame.
i spent all last night doing my homework.
thanks to jasmin, for the reminder on the math.
so my us map is done, my social map is almost done,
polynomials is finito, religion is completed,
and all i have to do is that social write up on i dont know what.
see? all boring stuff.

what i learned.

people say you learn something new everyday,
well, heres what i learned this summer:
you can never get enough pudding/
a pocket thesaurus is a girls best friend/
making out during family guy is just a bad idea/
heels and long walks do not match- neither do long walks and no shoes/
mongos has possibly the best stir fry in the world/
some things never change/
despite the heat, always carry a blanket or sweater/
screw crunches, self confidence makes a hot body/
computer games can become overlly addicting/
how to label a chessboard/
chess straegy and tactics/
MONOPOLY!/
dont go sit in massage chairs with friends, roll solo/
its never too far to walk to get ice cream/
judge a school by its website/
people inside short shorts can actually be nice/
never trust somebody with a shirt that dsnt fit right/
its better to actually cover your shit. dig a hole./
portaging is for the hardasses only/
anthony wightman is the coolest kid i will ever meet/
thet first harry potter book makes all the charcters sound retarded/
for piercing anything but the earlobe, you cant go to claires/
my parents are terrified of piercing places/
my mother has awesome shoes/
rock is the best genre ever/
sticky notes are a fantastic invention/
dont trust a ho/
skinny dipping with 10 people is reccomended/
never get a 3 year phone contract/
always keep your phone ringer on. just in case/

many things were learned, and those were just a few.
welcome back to school everybody.

experience.

ive been told over and over from different people
that high school is suposed to be the best time of your life.
well, i just dont think it is for me.
and i beleive its because of my school.
st marys, i feel, isnt really giving me the high school experience.
i want competive sports, and cliques, and cutting class,
topped off with giggling over boys in the washroom.
also with wearing sweats whenever you please.
you cant do any of that at st marys.
the sports and always desperate for people.
the girls are too nice to be overlly cliquish.
and there no no boys...except for the teachers :/
i just want something different, so thats why im looking into different schools.
SJR: too elite. the people there arent my style.
shaftsbury: too...normal.
oak park: possible...i do have alot of friends there,
who i love, and seem to enjoy the school.
grant park: what my parents want, but the website sucks
which i find overlly annoying.
kelvin: they havnt emailed me back yet, when all the other schools have.
though, i have heard fantastic things. its choice number two or three.
u of w collegiate: the semisters are like university,
and i think thats cool and unique.
the only thing is that its not social at all. i need to take my opinion on that.
currently, its choice number one for next year.
i guess we'll see.

slap in the face.

have you ever just had a moment-
one where you just stare into nothing,
then hate yourself?
i just did.
i know you dont read this...anymore,
but, youre drivnig me INSAINE.
i know we can never go back to being us,
but i just need to talk with you.
go back to even small talk, not ignoring me.
i was straing at this screen for god knows how long,
and i didnt even register it.
all i knew was that i was stupid and i destroyed you.
out of nowhere, i slapped myself.
hard, across the face.
its what i do in basketball, when im not feeling awake.
i slap myself lightly on the cheeks to get ready for the game.
i feel its restores alertness to whats going on.
it was like that,
except much harder and even angry,
and more like i was trying to wake myself from a nightmare.
now i know im awake.
...
i wont get over you.
note* i didnt say 'cant', i said 'wont'.
as in its not humanly possibly.

copycat.

sorry guys, i hate to copy people
but i just thought this was too cute to pass up,
and i dont like being out of the loop :/
kinda like mother... ANYWAYS;

FIVE things you wish you could say to FIVE different people right now:
1. youre a mean person. get help please.
2. dont worry about it honey, youll love it.
3. does black actually look bad on me?
4. i cant forgive you, even though i act like it.
5. i love you.

TEN things about yourself:
1. i dont shave my legs for about a month at a time
2. i sweat like theres no tommorow
3. sticky notes amuse the hell out of me
4. cutting vegtables is defanitley not my strong point
5. without my calander, all would be lost
6. im excited to prove myself to him.
7. im too young for boys... i just dont aknowledge it
8. hells kitchen is on. i want to marry chef ramsey... if i were middle aged
9. i would wear sweats everyday if i could
10. my ringtone is the theme music of star trek

SEVEN ways to win your heart:
1. write me hand written notes
2. have a sense of humor- make me laugh
3. play an instrument...preferably guitar
4. wear dark wash jeans that hug your body just a little...
5. have your own personality, and dont be afraid to show it
6. text or call me, if though you know i wont/cant answer
7. kiss me, hold me- even if i say no. create sexual tension.

SEVEN things that cross your mind a lot:
1. youre out of reach
2. you refuse to talk to me
3. things will never be the same
4. im moving on... what a lie.
5. come back to me? things can change..?
6. im sorry on so many levels.
7. i know our hearts hurt, even more so since we're aprat.

FOUR things you do before you fall asleep:
1. read
2. listen to music
3. text message
4. close the blinds

FOUR things you see right now:
1. september 2009 calander
2. postcard from nova scotia
3. blue saftey scissors
4. fileing cabinet

THREE songs that you listen to often:
1. warrior poet- the classic crime
2. wake me up before you go go- wham
3. scream- avenged sevenfold

TWO things you want to do before you die:
1. have a true near death experience
2. find love, and act properly.

ONE confession:
1. i fell in love with my best friend, i no longer have love nor a best friend.

letting go.

so, today i got back from the states with my family
we went to bemidji.
the weather was to die for and its on a lake- do the math.
needless to say, i spent the whole trip playing on my DS.
pokemon and fire emblem.
they are my drugs.
i love fire emblem to death for more reason that one.
1. its set in a mideavel preiod of whatever,
it has knights, dragons, and archers. shit i love.
2. its a strategy game.
therefore not a total waste of time, plus the format is superb.
3. it has 3 save spots so if i fk up i can go back and fix it.
4. lastly, it showed me that i have letting go issues.
i kept restarting the game because i refused to let my pirate die.
i let my archer and priest die earlier on,
but they wernt cool. not like my pirate.
so as im writing this, i am sill figuring out ways to evade my pirates death.
this fact that i cannot let go of things...or people...
can be applied in life.
but right now, screw that shit.
i have fire emblem to play.

with time.

waiting things out usually solves things like this.
erosion of the situation, if you will.
well, its been...i have no idea how long,
but it feels like years
and the time weve had feels like minutes.
i miss you.
theres so much i wanted us to do.
everything i do reminds me of you.
i dont know if you feel the same way,
but really? you can only stay mad for so long.
youre a forgiving guy.
im hoping youll show me that side of you.
ive been trying to move on-
talk to friends, meet new people, get in a relationship.
but, i dont really have the will power to do it.
the day after our...last fight,if you want to call it that,
i sat in the basement under a blanket for two days
staring at the blank wall eating pails of ben and jerrys,
waiting for the phone to ring.
or really, praying that it would.
i knew it wouldnt though. it never did.
not a day goes by that i dont think about you or regret my mistakes.
i know i cant take anything back,
and i beleive that i shouldnt, since everything happens for a reason.
alana told me a saying that i havnt heard in a while:
if you love something set it free, if it comes back its yours.
if not, it was never yours to begin with.
youd say you can only come back so many times.
i sort of agree... but, you blew it way out of proportion.
you really did.
but i love you regardless.
do what you will. ill be here- but not forever.
i cant gaurentee that.